Somewhere in the Middle ~ AGAIN!

I blogged about this song back in August ~ and I am still somewhere in the middle. The lyrics resonate in my head over and over again. Over the past couple of days we have spent a lot of time with friends and family, celebrating the holidays. The ginormous elephant in the room (brain tail) has been brought up in conversation a lot, lately.

I don't mind talking about my surgeries that are on the horizon. Talking about my brain tail helps me mentally prepare for what lies ahead. People have often asked me if I am scared ~ the obvious emotion most people would be feeling. For most people, the thought of going to a hospital and dealing with needles and anesthesia are terrifying.

I think my primary feeling is more the feeling of being stuck in between the now and the not yet ~ wanting to surge ahead but patiently waiting for my turn. I am looking forward to ringing in 2008 tonight ~next year will be a new lease on life for me ~ the other side of brain surgery. Happy New Year blog lurkers out there and please, don't be shy, leave me a comment some time just to say 'hi' and don't forget to leave your e-mail address so I can e-mail you back!

Somewhere In The Middle ~ Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who you're making me
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender
Cause I'm losing all control

Fearless Warriors in a picket fence
Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep-water faith in the shallow end
We are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences
The God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for his
Or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and the Lord
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more

Somewhere in the middle you'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender
Cause I'm losing all control

Fearless Warriors in a picket fence
Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep-water faith in the shallow end
We are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences
The God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His
Or are we caught in the middle

Fearless Warriors in a picket fence
Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep-water faith in the shallow end
We are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences
The God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His
Or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Lord I feel you in this place
And I know your by my side
Loving me even on these nights
When I am caught in the the middle
Caught in the middle

LOST Season 4

LOST Season 4 premieres on Thursday ~ January 31, 2008. With all that has been going on I almost forgot about our favorite castaways! If it's been too long since you thought about Sawyer, Locke, Sayid, Jack, Kate ~ here's a recap from Season 3 to jog your memory.

Whatever they came for, it isn't us ~

There isn't much time! ~ if you want to live you need to come with me ~

There's a traitor in our midst ~

Every person on this island will be killed ~

We are really going home ~

We made a mistake ~ we weren't supposed to leave ~

We have to go back Kate!

Here's a link for more trailers ~ spoiler alert!

Word of God Speak

I had some unexpected 'me' time after work today ~ I have been yearning to get outdoors and stomp around in the snow. So as soon as I got home I quickly changed clothes, laced up my snow boots, pulled on a hat and gloves and headed outside for a quick walk.

It had been snowing lightly all day long and the sun was shrouded by the clouds. As I pulled into the parking lot at the trail head it was clear that I was going to have the trail all to myself. The crunch of the snow beneath my feet was music to my ears. It has become all too real to me that these quiet moments are greatly treasured as the time in the next month will be my only opportunity to be active and enjoy outside wintertime activities.

There is something so surreal about the light and the way the air feels during a snow ~ everything is lightly painted in white ~ the air smells clean and pure. Even the pounding headache that had been with me all day long was temporarily lifted ~ the beauty of it all left me at a loss for words.

Word of God Speak ~ by Mercy Me

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

The last thing I need is to be heard

But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]

Word of God speak

Would You pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see

Your majesty

To be still and know

That You're in this place

Please let me stay and rest

In Your holiness

Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You

Beyond the music, beyond the noise

All that I need is to be with You

And in the quiet hear Your voice

[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

Epic Battles

It was bound to happen ~ the growing turmoil in my mind and body has given way to epic battles. (LOTR nerdling flag waving high!) Think Balrogs, trolls, fell beasts and Uruk-hai with no sight of Ents, Elves or Wizards to come to the rescue. Lots of warfare ~ internally ~ emotionally and physically ~ the time gap between now and surgery dates is getting smaller each second.

Before the appeal was overturned the enemy was the insurance company ~ something outside of myself ~ and now I am finding turmoil within myself. On a daily basis I am fighting back fear, doubt and more fear. I know that fear does not come from God:

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Timothy 1: 7

It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit--depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm]. Deuteronomy 31: 8

I have been surprised by all of the spiritual warfare going on in my mind ~ casting doubt on the TRUTHS of the Bible ~ trying to take my focus away from the Lord. I am gently reminded to dig into the Word of God ~ put on the 'full armor of the Lord'. Although I do not understand why I must take this path of hardship ~ I know that all things work together for good for those who know and love God.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

The Dash

A friend of mine sent me this poem/movie yesterday and I just had to share and pass it along! The Dash expresses the simple truths of our purpose here on earth.

"What matters is how we live and love."

Enjoy the vid and if it's too small ~ here's the link where it will show full screen. I hope this brings you a renewed perspective on your life! http://www.thedashpoemmovie.com/

Amazing Medical Story

An amazing medical story was on the Oprah Winfrey show last week. As a member of the Army Reserves, she was deployed to Iraq where she became the victim of a roadside bomb. Shrapnel from the bomb penetrated three lobes of her brain and she was given a 2% chance of surviving.

The neurosurgeon who saved her life removed a large portion of her skull and sewed it inside her abdomen for safe keeping. She was then shipped out the the United States where she spent several months in the hospital. Please take a moment to click on the link and read the story. This surgeon basically said that he 'goes to the mat' with all of his patients ~ his goal is to save every life that ends up in his operating room.

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

The resounding chorus that keeps playing over and over in my head is ~ "I will worship in the waiting ~ I will worship and not grow bitter cause I know you see the end of it all ~ I’ve seen the blooms of spring, new life in everything. But now it seems so grey, bright colors fade away. This winter seems much longer and colder than before, but I will worship in the waiting, expecting something more until the sun shines warm upon my face again." Finally FFH has put their song ~ In the Waiting ~ up on You Tube so that you can hear it yourself.

Waiting seems to be an ongoing theme with me ~ I feel like a bungee cord is attached around my waist. I keep trying to surge ahead and am constantly pulled back. I don't do the waiting thing very well. I'm not second guessing my decision to go ahead with surgery ~ I jsut want to get the whole thing over and done with.

I have visions of tulips and daffodils emerging from the soil after a long winter's nap ~ new life ~ butterflies emerging from cocoons ~ waiting for my real life to begin ~ the 'after brain surgery' chapter ~ there has got to be a best seller book in here somewhere ~ true story!.

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin ~ Colin Hay

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said, "Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say, "Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,” Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Hey heyeyeyeyey
Hey yeeeeeee
Hey heyeyeyeyey
Eeh eeh eeh eeh eh

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way

Armadillo

What do you do when an armadillo shows up in your dream? Random ~ I know ~ but not so random considering I am a Native Texan and I am the proud owner of an armadillo purse! Until I looked up some info on these prehistoric looking creatures I never knew there were so many types of them. I am pretty certain that I have only seen one species ~ the nine banded armadillo which happens to be the state small mammal of Texas.

I remember seeing a special about bizarre facts about animals and the armadillo was mentioned. This is absolutely fascinating ~

"Although breeding occurs in July, the embryo remains in a dormant state until
November. Four young are born in a burrow in March. All four young, always of
the same sex, are identical quadruplets and developed from the same egg. They even share a single placenta while in the womb. Armadillos are the only mammals
in which multiple young form from a single egg with any regularity. "

This post is random ~ I know ~ but I have a point. I looked up the meaning of the armadillo totem and it symbolizes boundaries, being grounded and self protection. I could use a good dose of being grounded and protected!

Random

I was tagged this week by Billy Bob to list seven random things about me ~ so here I go ~

1. I have swum in a cow trough many times during my summer camp camper/counselor days ~ true story ~ It is surprisingly quite refreshing but incredibly slippery on the bottom of the trough due to many years of cow slobber build up!
2. I was an acolyte at church when I was in high school ~ one Sunday we were celebrating a big birthday of the church and I, along with a fellow acolyte, were asked to carry a ginormous sheet cake down the long aisle to the altar. We were laughing so hard the whole time that we almost dropped the cake on the floor.
3. A sorority sister of mine once convinced me that she could make a parrot costume for me for a Spanish Galleon mixer. She dressed me in a bright tie dye shirt and pants and then stuck cut out feathers all over me. Was I convincing as a parrot ~ you be the judge ~ someone at the mixer told me that I must be in the wrong place and that the 70's mixer was down the street!
4. I love to rappel down mountains, but the first time I tried rappelling it was at youth group at my church and we rappelled out the second story window. My foot went below the window ledge and I ended upside down. Then I was laughing so hard that I didn't have enough strength to pull myself back up.
5. I absolutely can't deal with Saran Wrap ~ hate the stuff ~ curse words come flying out of my mouth at the thought of Saran Wrap (@#%#$^%)!
6. My favorite Christmas movie is Christmas Vacation. "What's that squeeky noise?"
7. I see dead people and read minds.

OK ~ now I am supposed to tag other bloggers ~ but I have never been a fan of putting pressure on others to deliver ~ but my blog buddy Erica, my friend, you are tagged for random blogging! Hey ~ you ~ random blog lurkers ~ peering into my personal life ~ if you are going to hang out long enough to read about my life ~ leave me a random comment ~ please!

Absence of Fear

Life is always throwing me something totally unexpected. On Thursday we had a snow storm blow in around 11am. Needless to say I was not looking forward to the long drive home. It usually takes me about 25 minutes to drive to work so I knew it would take me at least an hour to get home.

My first real experience with driving in winter weather was my senior year in college in West Texas. The weather there can change rapidly from sunny and warm to cold and icy. I got into an accident on black ice one night as I came upon a couple of cars that had already crashed. My options were limited ~ I could put on my breaks and hope to God I didn't hit the car that was rapidly getting closer or I could swerve and head into oncoming traffic. The wreck wasn't all that bad, I barely tapped the bumper of the car in front of me, but the out of control, sliding on black ice feeling has always stayed with me.

That being said, when the roads are slippery and if I slide just a little bit I am instantly covered with an overwhelming blanket of fear. So, getting back to my point, I was completely taken by surprise as I took note of how I was feeling while driving home in snow covered streets last night. I was completely calm, relaxed, just another drive home ~ slow ~ but not a big deal. This really took me by surprise and then I realized that fear is relative. Compared to brain surgery, I drive in the snow and ice is not such a foreboding task anymore.

Love Thy Neighbor

So ~ we got our first nor'easter of the winter season today. I don't know the official measurement, but at last count we were over six inches ~ not too shabby for a pre-Christmas snow. As an added bonus ~ we are getting a huge snow storm on Sunday which will make today's storm look like a small blip on the radar.

So ~ it took me twice as long to drive home today due to the snow and ice on the road ~ not to mention the morons out there who just don't know how to drive on snow. Anyway, after I got home I warmed up, put on my snow shoveling clothes and headed out to tackle the driveway. First thing I noticed when I stepped outside ~ with shovel in hand ~ is that my neighbor across the street was using a snow blower to clear his driveway.

He was having a bonding moment with his daughter, teaching her the finer skills of snow blowing. A passing thought went through my mind, maybe this neighbor of mine will volunteer to at least help me move the super heavy, snow plow snow from the bottom of the driveway. He never even acknowledged me at all. After his driveway was completely clear of even a speck of snow, while whistling, he finished up the task with throwing a good level of salt on the driveway to prevent icing during the night. He neatly put his snow blower away in the garage, closed the door and that was it.

I could be bitter about the whole situation ~ but you know what ~ I am sorry for the guy that he missed out on a great opportunity to teach his daughter a lesson about random acts of kindness. I know that one day when I finally have a snow blower, if I saw someone slaving away with drifts of snow I will be sure to help them out. Love thy neighbor ~ it's a hard commandment to keep when you have a clueless neighbor.

It's Not Rocket Science ~ Just Say "Yes" & We Will Move On

Last weekend NBC aired the Best of Will Ferrell SNL skits ~ the Harry Caray one is one of my absolute favorites. He is diabolically random and he makes me laugh ~ good stuff!

Hey!!! What's your favorite planet?? Mine is the sun! I like it because it's like the king of planets!

What if the moon were made of bar-b-q spare ribs ~
Hey ~ what about that Mad Cow Disease?

"Year's Best" Meteor Shower to Peak December 13-14

I have always been fascinated with what's going on in outer space ~ maybe it was the Star Wars movies that set me on that path ~ maybe the hours I spent on the air strip at camp, straining my eyes to see shooting stars. I can't remember the last time I actually saw a meteor shower, so that means it's time to bundle up and look up into the heavens!

The Geminid meteor shower—considered by many to be the most active annual sky show—is going to be especially spectacular this year, astronomers predict.

Who can resist "especially spectacular"! Since this is the Christmas season, a most famous star comes to mind ~ the star that shone over Bethlehem the day Jesus was born. Imagine what was going on in the minds of the star gazers of the time.

They studied the heavens ~ they knew the stars ~ and all of the sudden there is this brilliant star shining in the heavens. I'll bet they were so curious that they couldn't help themselves ,but to drop all of their plans and journey to where the star shone. What an aw some sight that must have been!

Run Run Rudolph (err ~ I mean Cheetah!)

Thespians beware ~ our girls can be so creative sometimes! They made up a Christmas skit in an hour ~ with costumes and props!

Who's Laughing Now?

I haven't seen this in a while, but it makes me laugh and reminds me to be kind to people who are a little different than me!

We All Know One

Since I feel like I am sitting under a dark, gloomy, ominous cloud ~ I could use a healthy dose of laughter every day. This picture just cracks me up ~ who knew that birds could be so expressive!

Makes me wonder what their story is ~ is it a husband and a wife? siblings? friends? strangers who just happened to be standing in the same place at the same time? Is the bird on the left exasperated? embarassed? annoyed? Inquiring minds want to know!

Bears ~ Growing Up Grizzly

Last night I was flipping through the channels and found a kid friendly show on Animal Planet to distract my youngest one from crying ~ she had slipped and fallen on the ice on our driveway. I had seen the original Growing Up Grizzly show a while back that focused on Bart the Bear I. Bart was a very famous movie star. He acted in movies such as: Legends of the Fall, White Fang, The Bear, The Edge ~ an amazing animal!

The show that was on last night was Growing Up Grizzly 2 which focused on the three year old bears ~Little Bump and Bart II~raised by the same trainers ~ Doug and Lynne Seus. Watching the bears interact with the trainers like they are family members was amazing. I think that we have a lot to learn from bears ~ they are intelligent creatures who have a message to share with us. There was a particular moving part in the show when the trainers took the bears to an exclusive wild area and let the bears roam free while the trainers had a picnic nearby. Words just can't do the show justice ~ you just gotta watch it for yourself. I have posted some videos below that give you a taste of the magnificence of the bears.

I've Come Too Far To Turn Back Now

You know that feeling you get either in the real world or in a dream where you find yourself in a place where you feel dread and fear all around you. Maybe it's a dark alley on a moonless night, maybe a forest trail as the sun is quickly sinking behind the mountains ~ either way your fight or flight response kicks into overdrive. You have a spit second when you have decide to either turn back or run ahead at breakneck speed. I feel like I have chosen to run ahead ~ but that doesn't mean that the journey is easier.

I think that now that the main fight to get to TCI is over I have relaxed enough to feel how much I am really physically falling apart at the seams. In two months I will be in recovery mode for a good three months, so now should be a time of kicking up my heels, enjoying life ~ but I am just not up to it! Did I tell you that I tried to mail a letter in the dish washer this week??? SERIOUSLY! The motions are about the same ~ pull the door down, put the letter in and shut it. The only thing different was that my dishwasher has no red flag thing signaling that there's new mail in the box.