The Hurt and the Healer

What a profound message - I'm alive, even though a part of me has died....what a great comfort this message brings

The Hurt And The Healer ~ MercyMe

Why?

The question that is never far away

But healing doesn't come from the explained

Jesus please don't let this go in vain

You're all I have

All that remains

So here I am

What's left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

(Chorus)

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into Your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe

Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do

Pain so deep that I can hardly move

Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You

Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am

What's left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

(Chorus)

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity

Is overcome by majesty

When grace is ushered in for good

And all the scars are understood

When mercy takes its rightful place

And all these questions fade away

When out of weakness we must bow

And hear You say "It's over now"

(Chorus)

I'm alive

And even though a part of me has died

You take this heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into your arms open wide

When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

When the hurt and the healer collide 

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here 

When the hurt and the healer collide 

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

I Believe In The Sun Even When It's Not Shining

It's easy to get lost in the dreariness of winter. It seems like the wintry mix and clouds will never part. That's what I was thinking on my drive in to work this morning ~ then as quickly as the depressing thoughts came into my head, they were gone with the sound of lyrics on the radio that transported me once again to a place of hope and warmth.

I Believe In Love ~ Barlow Girl

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?

Is there still faith in me to reach the end?

I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith

But giving up would cost me everything

So I'll stand in the pain and silence

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending

That doesn't mean the dark night has no end

It's only here that I find faith

And learn to trust the one who writes my days

So I'll stand in the pain and silence

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe No dark can consume Light

No death greater than this life

We are not forgotten

Hope is found when we say

Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe.

Say

I recently saw the movie ~ The Bucket List. John Mayer wrote a song for the movie, SAY. The song is catchy, but the lyrics have stuck with me ~ playing over and over in my mind. With the arrival of summertime and the unstable weather that has descended upon NY, the return of my headaches is a constant reminder that life is short and not a minute should be wasted.

I often find my mind wandering back in time ~ thinking about roads I wish I would have gone down ~ made different choices ~ wish I had taken more chances and said what was on my heart. I know that there are books ~ volumes of books stored up in my mind of things I wish I had said and didn't. But now ~ since the birth of this blog and the connections with people I have made through my ramblings here ~ I find myself sharing more and more of myself ~ speaking from my heart. I can't help it ~ life is too short not to connect on a heart level.

So, with that said, I encourage you to say what you need to say ~ heal broken relationships ~ muster up the courage and let your heart speak for you.

SAY ~ John Mayer

Take out of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all of your so called problems

Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say (8x)

Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living out the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off instead

If you could only Say what you need to say (8x)

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You better know that in the end its better to say too much

Than to never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open Why?

Say what you need to say (25x)

Human Barometer ~ Another Fun Chiari Talent

Ok ~ 'UNCLE' ~ I have had quite enough of the low pressure fronts that keep shrouding the Capital District Region~ enough already!!! Having a Chiari brain tail has turned me into a human barometer ~ TRUE STORY ~ seriously ~ Galileo would be proud.

If there was some way that us Chiarians could make a living out of telling weather forcasters that there's a low pressure front headed our way ~ maybe it would make the pain not so painful ~ right?! My head has been pounding for over a week now ~ hoping the weekend will bring some relief. I am far from even being able to grasp how this whooseedo over at the left works ~ but I do know that low atmospheric pressure = pressure build up in my noggin = headaches! *sigh*

"How the barometer works:

While not as accurate as modern day aneroid barometers, the principle of the early Water Barometer is sound. When atmospheric pressure decreases, the fluid is pulled upward toward the top of the barometer tube (low pressure). As atmospheric pressure increases, the fluid is "pushed down" (high pressure). Standard atmospheric pressure at sea level is 29.92".

I am soooo looking foward to some escapism tomorrow night with a TWO hour Grey's Anatomy finale ~ it's the little things that matter like good TV!

Half Empty

Driving into work this morning I glanced down at my gas gauge and made a mental note to put gas in the car later today ~ I am past the half full mark. Gas prices in NY have risen to $3.73 per gallon and that's for unleaded. Seriously, I shouldn't complain, my Prius has been getting about 48 miles to the gallon lately ~ true story!

Further on down the road the song, Empty Me, by American Idol alum Chris Sligh came on the radio. Hmmm ~ seems like the word 'empty' is the word of the day! Ordinarily I would view that word as negative, but after listening to the lyrics of Chris' song I have a change of heart. Maybe I have had it wrong all this time. I think of myself as a 'half full' kind of girl ~ but maybe 'half empty' is better? Read some of the lyrics I posted below ~ listen to his song ~ and let me know what do you think.

I know how I can stray and how fast my heart can change. Empty me of this selfishness inside and every vain ambition and the poison of my pride ~ Lord empty me ~ so I can be filled with you ~ every thing is a lesser thing compared to you ~ so I surrender all.

Deep Inside This Armor ~ The Warrior Is A Child

The last couple of days have been really rough on me ~ nausea /vertigo/ headaches / trouble breathing / insomnia ~ good to be able to see the first surgery on the very near horizon. I got FOUR letters from my insurance company today. My heart instantly started to race as I was filled with anxiety ~ will they pull the rug out from under me just when I thought I was actually going to have my surgeries done?

My fears were instantly quelled as I read them one by one ~ approved, 3D CT Scan, approved inpatient surgery 2/1/08, approved outpatient procedure 3/6/08, approved inpatient surgery on 3/7/08 ~ all signed by the same medical director. If I could, I would drive over there right now and give Mr. Medical Director a huge hug!!!

So ~ getting my ducks in a row ~ results from the echo cardiogram were normal. Taking it day by day ~ drawing strength from my faith ~ daily fighting battles against the doubt and fear in my head.

The Warrior is a Child by Twila Paris

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing, strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Deep inside this armor - the warrior is a child.

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest.
People say that I'm amazing - never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies that lay me at His feet.

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor

Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child.

Word of God Speak

I had some unexpected 'me' time after work today ~ I have been yearning to get outdoors and stomp around in the snow. So as soon as I got home I quickly changed clothes, laced up my snow boots, pulled on a hat and gloves and headed outside for a quick walk.

It had been snowing lightly all day long and the sun was shrouded by the clouds. As I pulled into the parking lot at the trail head it was clear that I was going to have the trail all to myself. The crunch of the snow beneath my feet was music to my ears. It has become all too real to me that these quiet moments are greatly treasured as the time in the next month will be my only opportunity to be active and enjoy outside wintertime activities.

There is something so surreal about the light and the way the air feels during a snow ~ everything is lightly painted in white ~ the air smells clean and pure. Even the pounding headache that had been with me all day long was temporarily lifted ~ the beauty of it all left me at a loss for words.

Word of God Speak ~ by Mercy Me

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

The last thing I need is to be heard

But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]

Word of God speak

Would You pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see

Your majesty

To be still and know

That You're in this place

Please let me stay and rest

In Your holiness

Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You

Beyond the music, beyond the noise

All that I need is to be with You

And in the quiet hear Your voice

[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

The resounding chorus that keeps playing over and over in my head is ~ "I will worship in the waiting ~ I will worship and not grow bitter cause I know you see the end of it all ~ I’ve seen the blooms of spring, new life in everything. But now it seems so grey, bright colors fade away. This winter seems much longer and colder than before, but I will worship in the waiting, expecting something more until the sun shines warm upon my face again." Finally FFH has put their song ~ In the Waiting ~ up on You Tube so that you can hear it yourself.

Waiting seems to be an ongoing theme with me ~ I feel like a bungee cord is attached around my waist. I keep trying to surge ahead and am constantly pulled back. I don't do the waiting thing very well. I'm not second guessing my decision to go ahead with surgery ~ I jsut want to get the whole thing over and done with.

I have visions of tulips and daffodils emerging from the soil after a long winter's nap ~ new life ~ butterflies emerging from cocoons ~ waiting for my real life to begin ~ the 'after brain surgery' chapter ~ there has got to be a best seller book in here somewhere ~ true story!.

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin ~ Colin Hay

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said, "Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say, "Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,” Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Hey heyeyeyeyey
Hey yeeeeeee
Hey heyeyeyeyey
Eeh eeh eeh eeh eh

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way

Even Country Singers Get Chiari

I read the news report yesterday that Rosanne Cash was ending her tour early to have elective brain surgery. They didn't say why or what kind of surgery she was havingm, but my brain tail intuition told me that she had a brain tail, too. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to stand on stage night after night and sing with a brain tail in tow. Not to mention how hard it must be to stand upright without falling over. Best of luck to you, Rosanne for a successful surgery and a speedy recovery!

One Step Closer

I don't even know where to begin ~ The picture above says it all ~ My visit with surgeon #5 didn't go as I planned in my mind ~ but then again ~ who am I trying to kid ~ this is me we are talking about. If the shortest distance between two lines is a straight line ~ my route has been the polar opposite of short and straight!

I don't want to bore you with all the details ~ so I will try to sum up what happened yesterday. With my mom and husband in tow ~ after waiting for over an hour past my appointment time ~ I met surgeon #5. Mine was the last appointment before his lunch break ~ he looked tired and weary. I tried to sum up what has been going on with me since my Chiari discovery ~ he was tough ~ I stood my ground ~ basically he agreed that I have a significant Chiari malformation and I would definitely benefit from surgery ~ however ~ the other diagnosis that TCI gave me ~ he wants to debunk all of them.

As he was talking and it was clear that we weren't on the same page ~ he even lauded surgeon #4 (the Godfather)! I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I fought the waves of emotion coming over me ~ I felt as if I was stuck in a revolving door ~ going around and around with no exit in sight! Then ~ I heard a small, still voice voice within myself ~

"This is all as it is supposed to be ~ stay strong ~ hold your ground ~ I will carry you."

So ~ is summation ~ the next step is to get medical ~ concrete evidence that I do in fact have ehlers danlos. I am trying to schedule an appointment with a rheumatologist ~ apparently they should be able to do some kind of skin test confirming EDS. I am 99.9% certain that I do have EDS ~ I have all the signs. If there is a silver lining in here somewhere ~ when I test positive for EDS ~ then surgeon #5 will write a letter recommending that I absolutely go to TCI for surgery ~ they are best equipped to deal with stability issues. This all takes me one step closer ~

One Step Closer ~ U2

I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under the bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing

I'm on an island in a busy intersection
I can't go forward now I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing

Up To The Mountain

Today is the day ~ driving into work this morning the streets were shrouded by an early morning fog. The imagery mirrors my path ~ veiled in fog with street lamps along the way to keep me on the path. At this point, I don't know quite what to expect as I prepare to meet surgeon #5 ~ I just want him to take action ~ hear me out ~ schedule surgery ~ let's get the show on the road already!

My sister made me a birthday CD mix last week ~ this song instantly brought tears to my eyes ~ it echoes my journey ~ plodding up the mountain ~ the journey is hard ~ but with perseverance I will reap the benefits of the breathtaking view on the summit. It reminds me that I am not alone ~ some days are harder than others ~ but my friends and family give me the strength and courage to keep going. I first heard this song when Kelly Clarkson sang it ~ both versions are beautiful ~

Up To The Mountain ~ Patty Griffin

I went up to the mountain
Because you asked me to
Up over the clouds
Where the sky was blue
I could see all around me
Every, Everywhere
I could see all around me
Everywhere

Sometimes I feel like
I've never been nothing but tired
And I'll be working
Till the day I expire
Sometimes I lay down
No more can I do
But then I go on again
Because you asked me to

Some days I look down
Afraid, afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines
I see nothing at all
Then I hear your sweet voice
Come and then go
Telling me softly
You love me so

He Will Carry Me

Hold tight ~ when all hope is gone ~ he is all the strength that I will ever need ~ He will carry me ~

I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more then I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me

(Pre-chorus and Chorus)
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me

(Bridge)
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
He will carry me

I'm Trying To Find It

My youngest daughter's birthday was yesterday. Since things have been super busy around our house, I had waited until the last possible moment to purchase her gift. So ~ I had a two hour window between dropping her off at cheer practice and picking her up. Time was of the essence.

Apparently these little fur balls are the latest craze ~ on E-Bay there were 91 items listed! I went to three stores ~ no Fur Berries in site. I was quickly running out of time ~ I was going to have to break down and actually talk with someone at the Customer Service desk as Toys R Us. I was desperate ~ they heard my plea for help ~ One of the employees scoured the store and came back with the one, lone fur berry left in the store. I was saved ~ I had found what I was looking for and the look on my child's face when she opened the gift was priceless! BTW ~ since the guy that found the toy was Phil ~ we named the Fur Berry 'Phil', too. Awe ~

Not only was this a successful mission, I discovered that even though my brain is falling out of my head, I can still drive at night and find where I am going. All it takes is some time and a lot of turning around. You see, I can't see that well at night ~ I am hoping that after my decompression my vision will improve. So driving at night, looking for a store with a vague address can be a total setup for a stressful event.

But ~ I had a mission and tried to stay focused. The more I drove around ~ looking for the toy store, the more turned around I became. I would pass the street I should have turned on, so I would take a left, turn around and then turn left again instead of right ~ talk about short term memory! I just had to laugh at myself and pat myself on the back for being out there to begin with.

So ~ note to self ~ next time ~ let someone else drive!

Don't Blink

I heard this new Kenny Chesney song today ~ really resonates with me and iterates what I have been thinking lately ~ Don't Blink ~

Everything in life has taken on a new and different meaning to me. This summer we took a family portrait for our church directory. During the family photo shoot I found myself wanting the photographer to hurry up ~ I could feel the water works welling up and I didn't know how long I could keep them back. Why, you ask, would taking a family photo make me cry? I'll tell you why ~ because in my mind I was thinking that this could be the last photo we would take together. Brain surgery ~ it's a risky endeavor ~ this time next year things will be very different!

That might have come off a little morbid ~ let me clarify ~ I know from lots of experience that there are certain events in life that forever change who you are ~ brain surgery is going to rock my world ~ there's no getting around that! Things are going to be different ~ but I am praying for changes for the good ~ a new lease on life ~ improvement in quality of life and renewal of strength.

You Find Out Who Your Friends Are

I have truly found out who my friends really are over the past year ~ Not everyone can handle the harsh reality of brain surgery. Some smile politely ~ a forced smile creeps across their face ~ I can tell that they just want to turn & run ~ Fear can paralyze a person. I totally understand that some people just don't have the coping skills to be comfortable with someone else's pain. Although I understand this ~ it's still painful knowing that I won't be able to fully share this journey with some of my most adored friends. It is part of the grieving process ~ letting friends go, knowing that after my 'brain is fixed' ~ they will come out of hiding ~ once the turmoil has settled.

On the other hand, friends I thought were gone forever have suddenly come back into my life. This has brought great joy to my heart and has returned a smile to my face. There is nothing in the world like the feeling you get when you talk with a lifelong friend who has been absent for far too long. You pick up where you last left off ~ it's like no time has passed.

The reactions that I have gotten from friends has been as varied as the flavors of Jelly Belly jelly beans. My co-workers don't miss one opportunity to make a brain joke or make up some new lyrics with the word 'brain' in it ... think 'Blame It On The Brain' to the tune of a famous Milli Vannilli song. In my true sarcastic form ~ I retaliate with idle threats to send FedEx the left over brain parts from my surgery if they don't stop making fun of me and my big brain! So ~ my brain is bigger than yours ~ deal with the facts ~ I can't help it ~ I was born this way.

I have one friend who is truly a soul sister $:)$ ~ she has been my sounding board and my comic relief. She has offered to sit by my side and hold my hand during and after surgery as long as I have a single, wealthy, good looking McDreamy Neuro-surgeon. True story! Seriously ~ when I have told her about yet another insurance roadblock she has threatened to come up here and do some negotiating on my behalf. She asks me on a daily basis how I feel ~ she doesn't ever want the sugar coated answer ~ she really wants to know the truth.

I am convinced that God puts people in our lives so that we can handle life ~ I just couldn't do it without their support. There are sooo many of you out there ~ you know who you are ~ Thanks for listening to me ramble on about doctor appointments, vertigo, headaches, brain farts ~ it all sounds so boring after a years time, I am sure of that! I have really been mulling over Oriah Mountain Dreamer's The Invitation lately ~ Her message is raw and real ~ I am discovering what sustains me when everything else shrivels away...

The Invitation byOriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.