The Hurt and the Healer

What a profound message - I'm alive, even though a part of me has died....what a great comfort this message brings

The Hurt And The Healer ~ MercyMe

Why?

The question that is never far away

But healing doesn't come from the explained

Jesus please don't let this go in vain

You're all I have

All that remains

So here I am

What's left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

(Chorus)

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into Your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe

Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do

Pain so deep that I can hardly move

Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You

Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am

What's left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

(Chorus)

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity

Is overcome by majesty

When grace is ushered in for good

And all the scars are understood

When mercy takes its rightful place

And all these questions fade away

When out of weakness we must bow

And hear You say "It's over now"

(Chorus)

I'm alive

And even though a part of me has died

You take this heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into your arms open wide

When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

When the hurt and the healer collide 

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here 

When the hurt and the healer collide 

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

Tears

Tears ~ I've been thinking about them a lot lately. I taught myself at a very tender age of TWO, to try my hardest to stuff my tears way down deep to the pit of my stomach. Hey, I  put on a smile that stretched from ear to ear and that worked for decades!

But once I allowed myself to feel my feelings as they bubbled up to the surface ~ there's no stopping the tears. They show up out of no where ~ on a sunny day when I think everything is right in the world. Recently, for the first time in my life I awakened myself out of a dead sleep to the sound of my own sobbing. We are talking crying so hard I can't stop ~ and I just might need a dry pillowcase cover and a full box of tissues.

I don't know exactly WHY this is happening now ~ but I have to say it gives me a  great sense that I am really alive and I haven't felt that way in a very long time. The most recent occurrence was this morning at 5 am. I remember the dream well ~ it wasn't a particularly emotional dream, but when I felt the e?motion swell within me like a tsunami ~ I could feel the ache in my chest as I tried desperately to hold back the swell of tears ~

When I think about it, most of my most favorite movies and TV shows have tearful moments. I've gotten a lot more comfortable with watching those scenes again and allowing myself to be swept up in the moment and cry alongside the characters.

Here are a few of my favorite tearful scenes ~ What are yours?

What Grace Has Given Me ~ Let It Pass to Him

This has been a heart breaking week ~ I've always felt ever since my Chiari diagnosis that it was my burden to bear, my dark forest to walk through . I grew comfortable with that feeling very early on. I felt like a ring bearer myself. I always have known that for me, it's easier to be in pain and struggle than to watch someone else I love go through the same thing. How right I was!

My Dad's been in a great deal of pain over the past couple of months. And for him to feel pain this must have been some kind of Jurassic pain from hell. You see, he's got this incredible tolerance to pain ~ luckily he passed that DNA onto me. The trouble with this is that by the time he feels pain, he's in real trouble. He finally went to the doctor and underwent a battery of tests. Well the results are in and they aren't good.

Dad's been given a chance to fight like a rabid lion ~ the fight of his life! Cancer has invaded and it's time to kick it the hell out of Dodge! This news has been shocking and earth shattering for all of us, but I know we will get through this.

When the call came in ~ I stepped outside my office for a couple of minutes. The sun was shining, the cold air hit my face and I braced myself to hear the 'C' word. My body went numb, I crumpled to the ground in a crouch. While I was listening do Dad dispel this not so good news, a movie scene immediately was rolling through my head ~ and from the Fellowship of the Ring ~ no doubt. Shocked you are, right? This quote was rolling over and over in my head:

 "What grace has given me, let it pass to him.  Let him be spared.  Save him."

What I would do to take this from Dad ~ I feel so helpless ~ I can't stand by and watch ~ I have to do something to help take the pain away...Sending a band of angels to surround you Dad, protect you better than a She Elf of Middle Earth ~ you will beat this ~ I know in my heart that you will ~ love you much!

Arwen and Frodo  

In Tolkien's novel, Glorfindel's horse Asfaloth bears Frodo alone to the Ford of Bruinen, and Frodo collapses after resisting the will of the Nine Riders.  In Jackson's movie, Arwen bears him across the Ford and is the agent of resistance.  There she speaks Words of Power to make the river rise against the Nine.  Here, Jackson's choices establish Arwen as one of the most potent powers in Middle-earth, capable of employing the same kind of powers that Gandalf and Saruman use at Caradhras.  (In the novel, the flood is the work of Elrond's wielding of one of the three Rings of Power, with flourishes provided by Gandalf.)  

Arwen then kneels over the fading Frodo and says, "What grace is given me, let it pass to him.  Let him be spared.  Save him."

To whom is Arwen speaking?  What's this "grace" she's talking about?

If Jackson holds true to Tolkien's intent, it is the grace extended to Arwen by the Valar (Middle-earth's pantheon) to pass into the Blessed Realm.  As one of the children of Elrond, the Halfelven, she is allowed the choice of leaving Middle-earth to dwell in immortality with the Valar, or to remain in Middle-earth as a mortal and suffer death.  In the eventual passing from the Grey Havens, Frodo takes Arwen's place in paradise.  Arwen's "grace," then, is the gift of immortality.

A Hopeful Sign

If you've been following my blog ramblings over the past 4 years, you know that music and nature speak to me on profound levels. I've always looking for 'signs' ~ a language that speaks to my heart when words have fallen on deaf ears.

New Years Day, we were driving home from spending the night out. We were driving down a highway that I travel on daily. Sitting in the passenger seat, I gazed out the window to my right, looking at how wistful the freshly fallen snow looked as it hung on the tree branches like an Ansel Adams painting. Just then, something, actually two creatures caught my eye. 

I'm always on the lookout for Red Tailed Hawks, they are common in our region and are easy to spot perched high in a tree along the highways. The white coloring on their chests always gives them away. But these creatures I had spotted were definitely not hawks. They were much larger in size and quite magnificent. I had spotted a couple of Bald Eagles!!! I had heard of sightings, but this was the first time I had seen them. 

What message was the universe sending me to have spotted TWO Bald Eagles on New Years day....The sky is the limit in 2013 ~ no boundaries ~ no limits ~ soar above it all ~ 

According to the Native Americans, Bald Eagles have great symbolism:

(http://www.whats-your-sign.com/symbolic-eagle-meaning.html)

Size does matter to the Native mind. It is the mammoth size of the eagle that, in part, wins its title as the King of the Birds in myth and lore. In spite of its enormous size, the eagle still takes flight, seemingly effortlessly. This is the first of many symbolic cues from the eagle about perception (not judging a book by its cover) and, not allowing the illusion of limitation to ground us in our flight.

What else matters when considering symbolic eagle meaning? Here are a few attributes and keywords associated with Eagle Medicine:

• Opportunity

• Protection

• Guardianship

• Masculinity

• Dominance

• Control

• Freedom

• Community

• Command

• Action

• Authority

• Skill

• Focus

• Determination

• Vision

• Power

• Liberation

• Inspiration

• Ruler

• Judgment

• contemplate the power cased in the heart of the eagle.

• Synchronize your own heart beat with that of the eagle's - visualize each pulse as a flash of lighting - an impulse of divine thought.

• Picture the power of the gods clapping like thunder with each flap of their wings. With each crack of thunder consider barriers and blockages in your life being shattered.

• Then see the great 7 foot wingspan of the eagle growing even longer in your vision in order to swipe away the rubble - making all trace of limitation disappear.

• Look into the eyes of the eagle, and see the dawning sun shine clarity upon the dawning of your own awareness. These eyes are like a light into your own contemplative vision - let them illuminate your from the inside out.

A representation of prime matter, the start of an alchemical operation. The eagle spreads its wings over the step into creation and fans the fire, encouraging growth of new matter.
The eagle carries the veil of night and dark over our existence and awareness. It's affiliated with the dawning sun, and is a magnificent celestial power, able to shine light into our world.
Associated with the symbolism of water, and the intuitive oracle water serves as. Perhaps because our Celtic kin observed their magnificent ability to see into waters with miraculous clarity. 
Associated with the Christ himself. Because the eagle seems to easily ascend the skies, looking into the sun with unblinking focus, we relate symbolism of Christ's unblinking faith in the Way, the Truth, and the Light. We also see themes of renewal (baptism) as the eagle plunges the soul of man into the sea, and lifts them out renewed and cleansed.
Another reference as a solar animal, the eagle is symbolic of authority, rulership and virility. It's depicted with thunderbolts in each talon. In my mind, this seems like a phallic reference would bolster sexual energy as well as warrior status (energy, thrust, courage, bravery, fearlessness). I get a confirmation of this by Zeus's strong affiliation with the eagle in myth.
Last word on the symbolic eagle meaning: "Fly Higher."

Native wisdom also honors the eagle for their opportunistic ways. It's not that they're skilled hunters (they are), but the go about gaining their needs in ways that are most efficient. This is a lesson for conserving resources. Work smarter, not harder.

Some Native American (plains tribes) refers to the eagle as an earthly incarnation of the great Thunderbird spirit. Legend further states that lightning bolts shoot from the eyes of the bald eagle, and with the beating of its expansive wings, rain is conjured from the skies. That's easy to envision.

Coming from the mindset that all energy is interconnected, an average wingspan of 5-7 feet (in Golden's and Bald's) could understandably cause some massive energetic ripples in the cosmos. Even prompt rain. I love how eagles as rain bringers segways into the cleansing theme of water.

And, we see from the Native mind that eagle feathers are tribal tools resonating patterns of healing within ritual. Do a little research into Native wisdom, and you will find the eagle is invoked for revitalization, creation and healing purposes. I like to think this deals with the eagle's connection with water.

In this vein of thought, we can contemplate the healing messages the eagle may offer us in our daily life. When the eagle soars into our psychic vision, it may be a sign of getting prepared for symbolic cleansing rains. What needs cleaning in our lives?

Of course, as rulers of the sky, eagle meaning is connected with the air element, which symbolizes communication and thought. All bird totems speak to us about higher thinking, dreams, and mental liberation. As king of the birds, the eagle's message of mental acuity is super-dominant.

Visually, everything about the eagle's appearance is sharp. Streamlined, sleek, chiseled. This prompts our deeper minds to hone our thoughts and skills. The eagle commands us to tailor our intelligence and talents in a form that best suits our needs. We all have inner abilities, but when the eagle shows up - it's a clear sign it's time to use these abilities in a laser-like fashion to bring about focused change in our lives.

To revisit the Thunderbird association, eagles are said to bring down lightning with the storms. This makes me think of flashes of insight, surges of power - electrifying vision.

I also like to look into the eyes of the eagle. There I see the lightning. I see the sun itself living in those all-seeing bright yellow orbs.

Do these observations this strike a chord with you? If so, take flight with the eagle meaning by experimenting with these visualizations:

These kind of powerful connections can liberate on so many levels.

Morphine

New Year's Day a discovery was made while cleaning out cabinets in the kitchen:  an old and tattered paper bag. You see, this wasn't any ordinary bag.  The contents were infused with pain ~ both physical and emotional. There were 6 unopened boxes of liquid Morphine and an opened bottle that was almost full. Additionally, I found a hand-full of hospital bracelets from North Shore Hospital ~ 2008. The expiration dates on the boxes told me to throw them out, but I have a strange attachment to them.

How sick and twisted is that!?! I still remember going cold turkey when I got home after my brain surgery. I had a bag of morphine with many refills. I was set for feeling no pain for several weeks if not months if I stretched out my doses. Me, I'm a bit on the stubborn side of life, the docs gave me pain relief, I wanted to get off the high powered drugs and tough it out on my own. I know ~ CRAZY LOCO ~ she is!!!

I've never thought of this before, but perhaps I see the unused drugs as a badge of survival ~ a sign that I could recover without any extra assistance from the pharmaceutical companies. Still ~ twisted ~ Did you know that Morphine has been around since 1805. Detoxing from Morphine is just like detoxing from Heroin ~ it's not fun at all! 

Morphine withdrawal symptoms (or Opiate withdrawal symptoms in general) are as follows: Sweats, Chills, Muscle Aches, Diarrhea, Vomiting/Nausea, High Blood Pressure, Fatigue, Restless Leg Syndrome (leg aches), Insomnia, Severe Depression, Heightened Sensitivity to Pain, Dysphoria, Muscle Spasms, Allergy Symptoms (yawning, watery eyes, sneezing).They generally last for 5-10 days, with some symptoms lasting longer (insomnia, depression, fatigue). Morphine withdrawals are exactly like Heroin withdrawals, because they are almost exactly the same drug. In fact, the proper chemical name for Heroin is Diamorphine. When heroin is ingested and reaches the brain, it is turned into morphine.

So back to the conundrum of what to do with an expired bag of Morphine. I know I should get rid of it ~ can i burn it in the fire pit maybe? I think my idea of making Morphine laced martinis for my next Oscar Party might not be a super great idea. There must be some kind of ritual, rite of passage ceremony. Any readers out there share my same feelings or am I the only coo coo one. Don't be shy...

Mending

You see, ever since that hospital bed, I had wanted to be fixed. Physically, emotionally. And right here, at 29,030 feet, as I staggered those last few steps, I was mending.

The spiritual working through the physical. 

Mending.

- Bear Grylls from Mud, Sweat and Tears

I recently read Bear Bear Grylls book  Mud, Sweat and Tears.  I've always admired him for his survivor skills demonstrated on his show Man VS Wild, but the book showed me a whole new layer of the real Bear. I already knew a bit about his history/background. I knew that he climbed Mount Everest at age 23, but I didn't know what incredible hurdles he surpassed to get there.

You see, Bear was parachuting and his chute failed ~ he ended up hitting the ground on his back and broke his spine ~ narrowly escaping with his life! He was laid up in a hospital for several months, unable to move, not knowing for sure if he would ever walk again. But he had a dream of climbing the tallest mountain in the world. He had pictures of Mount Everest on the wall next to his bed and he focused his mind on the images, knowing that one day he would climb the mountain. 

The quote I posted really spoke to me on so many levels. I feel like I have been mending for a long time now. No one prepared me for the emotional and spiritual mending that would need to happen after brain surgery. Bear's words have given me new hope ~ a good daily reminder that although I might feel like I am staggering forward, gasping with each breath, each step forward is evidence of mending. One day I will feel mended and whole again...

Transformation

You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.

 Henry David Thoreau 

Saturday was my birthday, I woke up contemplating the beauty of the life cycle. (I know ~ how Thoreau of me.)  I set out for a long walk and was fully aware that this was one of those days when nature would speak to me. How fitting that I would cross paths, twice, with the hairy fellow pictured to the left. When I saw him/her slowly inching across the path I stooped down and moved him over to the grass so that he wouldn't be squashed.  Just the other day I was discussing with a friend how amazing the transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly is.They crawl around on this earth until it's time to build a cocoon and when they emerge they are completely changed. Transformed into a new being with the 'sky' package that comes fully equipped with wings! When I got done with my walk I looked up the fuzzy creature and was amazed to see what he would look like come springtime! Behold the Tiger Moth. This is what symbolism moths bring: 

MOTH

Keywords: Strong healing abilities. Ability to perceive with clarity. Ability to guide from the dark to the light.

Moth’s Wisdom Includes:

• The power of the whirlwind
• Ease of movement in darkness/shadow
• Transformation
• Ability to confuse enemies
• Ability to find light in darkness

At the end of my walk I was serenaded by two Red Tailed Hawks who screamed and circled above my head for 5 minutes. I've never understood the power they have on me, but when I hear them cry or see them soaring above me it stirs something deep in my soul. I've often had the urge to stick my arm out as a willing perch for them to land on. Where can I learn the art of tethering? Must put that on my bucket list!

Hawk:

Hawk teaches visionary power and clear sight with strong observation habits while using patience. He is a sign showing how to ride the winds of change, creativity and the power to surrender oneself to Spirit's guidance. Hawk clarifies reality and reiterates that one is on the correct life path. He aids in truth and illumination, gives a sense of guardianship and watchfulness and reiterates wise and important of opportunities are opening up. His swiftness, wisdom, leadership and strength in actions will guide with honor, integrity with grace and beauty. He will show how to see more in life from a higher perspective of truth. Hawk will show you how to fulfill your soul's purpose. Be ready for a greater intensity to life for Hawk will guide you in the mind, body and spiritual aspects of your journey.

Conquer Chiari ~

Next Saturday, September 22nd is the annual Conquer Chiari Walk Across America.  

 "The Conquer Chiari Walk Across America is an annual fundraising and awareness event comprised of a series of local walks held on the same day. In 2011, the event was held at 47 different locations, involved more than 5,800 participants, and raised over $405,000. We are proud to say that 83% of the money raised will be used directly to fund research projects and that only 17% was required for overhead and expenses. This year the walk will be held on September 22nd, and it is our goal to raise at least $450,000 for research "

Each year I put off blogging about the walk ~ you see ~ fundraising is not really in my wheel house ~ but how can I give you the chance to donate and support the quest to find a cure and boost awareness for Chiari Malformation if you don't know about it? Click on the link below if you would like to sponsor me and donate to help Conquer Chiari

 

https://www.conquerchiari.org/ccwaa12/LacieHeiser/donate/
 

Post Brain Surgery 2008

I wanted to write something meaningful and inspiring about Chiari, but honestly I just don't have it in me this year. The picture to the right was taken a couple of days after my brain surgery in December of 2008. I was thankful to be alive ~ waking up from brain surgery was the toughest thing I've even done and as close to death as I ever want to be in this lifetime. I was optimistic at the time ~ after surviving brain surgery, the rest of life is cake, I can do this!

Physically, I've healed from the surgery ~ but know full well that surgery was not a cure ~ there is no cure for Chiari but there is always HOPE.  This has been my mantra, but it's been hard to believe, especially this summer. It's been a particularly difficult summer symptom wise. I've been plagued with a heavy dose of vertigo and headaches that won't go away. There's no reason for the sudden onset. My newest MRI revealed nothing new in my brain ~ just a constant reminder that Chiari is here to stay ~ like it or not!

Zipperhead 2008

Just last month my youngest daughter had an appointment with a neurosurgeon so that we can get her in an annual cycle to keep an eye on her brain tail. I am consumed with guilt for passing along Chiari to her and pray that a cure is found before the day comes when she might need surgery. Chiari has robbed me physically, emotionally and spiritually; I hope that through research they will find a cure some day soon.

Until that day ~ I have vowed to never give up living ~ pushing forward ~ experiencing as much of life as I possibly can. In the famous words of Morgan Freeman,

Get busy living or get busy dying!

I See You

So after dealing with glasses most of my life, I finally overcame my fear and DID contacts.Or as to quote my favorite Sage ~

DO OR DO NOT ~ THERE IS NO TRY

This is no small feat ~ I am so freaked out about anything getting in my eye. Every time an eyelash drops in there I freak the freak out ~ seriously! If you've seen the FRIENDS episode where Rachel must have eye drops ~ that's totally me




I think I've always rationalized that my eyes were way too squinty to ever get contacts in there. I've been trying to do something that scares me, weekly, to try and keep myself feeling alive and growing. My first visit to the doctor was a total failure. I spent an hour trying to get the contacts in ~ I was blinking like crazy and couldn't manage to get the contacts past my eyelashes. I told my doc, if you can get contacts in my eyes, then I can ~ otherwise let's just end this struggle now. Well, with some creative maneuvering, she got them in.  I was determined to do the same. Since I couldn't master putting them in and out 3 times during my appointment, they wouldn't send me home with a test pair. After waiting two weeks, I had my second appointment to prove myself once again.

The second time I was more relaxed and determined. I kept hearing in my head ~ "Lace, you got this ~ you had freaking brain surgery ~ you can put contacts in your eyes ~ press on"
So I did ~ and they let me take home a couple of pairs to practice with. My next appointment is in a week ~ if I can prove that I have mastered putting them in and out several times, they will write me a script.  I've worn them every day since, anywhere from 4 - 12 hours and have done ok. Sure, there have been some tense, curse filled moments, but I've stuck with it. Practice is making the whole process a bit easier.

I still have to wear reading glasses to work on the computer and read, but it feel liberating to not need glasses. My eyes feel so much stronger and relaxed at the same time.  I challenge you, if you've always been curious about contacts, to DO contacts ~ it's totally worth it. Good to know I don't need a passel of friends to hold me down to get my contacts in ~ but I know they would if I asked....

Change My Life

Life is a journey, not a destination ~ I keep telling myself this over and over again. There is no smooth coasting time that last more than a day it seems. I continue to face challenges each an every day. Lately, with no big event that could have possibly causes a shift within ~ I've been plagued with VERTIGO.

Sure, I'm familiar with the occasional cycle of vertigo one day ~ headache the next ~ but this isn't what's been happening. I've got it non stop ~ like I've been on a serious Spring Break ~ off the rails ~ party till you drop cycle for a month now. I would make Captain Jack Sparrow extremely jealous ~ he would think I had definitely drank all the rum.

I've done a lot more research on causes of vertigo and anything that makes senses is cranial nerve compression. How do I make it stop?! This vertigo is way worse than anything I had before decompression back in late 2008. Maybe I've just had a very long migraine and vertigo is the side effect? To top it all off, my local neuro surgeon has come to the conclusion that there's nothing wrong with me. oi!

After all that's said and done, I guess I should give myself a break and be thankful that even with my world spinning all around me, I've found the strength to keep on keeping on and even try new things that are outside my comfort zone (stay tuned for the next blog entry)

The song ~ Change My Life ~ really hit home. I keep battling with God ~ just when I feel like it's impossible to put me back together, I am greatly encourage. But please start with my heart ~ it's in dire need of  healing.

Change My Life ~ Ashes Remain

I'm still awake tonight

I'm broken up inside

I want to run

but I don't know where to go

I'm calling Your name through the pain

will You turn Your face to me?

I'm crying out

I need a miracle

If You could make the sun burn through the night

and You could make the dead man come alive

if You could make the oceans all run dry

then I know You can change my life

I know You can change my life

I wanna know who You are,

that You can fix my heart

and I don't have to run anymore

open my eyes, let me see

give me hope and set me free

'cause I don't want to be the way I was before

Chorus

give me something to believe in

something worth fighting for

something that I can't ignore

You could make the sun burn through the night

You could make the oceans all run dry

Chorus

I need You to change my life

I need You to change my life