Shadow and Light ~ Side By Side

The last couple of days have really been challenging for my brain to figure out where I am. According to the calendar, I was scheduled for my brain decompression yesterday and yet I wasn't there, I was home. I am thankful for answered prayers ~ for evading brain surgery for now, but still feel like I am waiting for that second shoe to fall. The facts are that I still have my brain tail and I just have to be aware of my symptoms.

For the most part, I am pretty symptom free, but this week I have had an occasional Chiari headache ~ not unbearable ones ~ but back of the head headaches. This past week I was probably the most active I have been since my detethering. I walked at least 4 times this week for an hour at a time and have been working out on pully machines at the gym to gain strength in my back.

On my walk on Thursday morning, the sun was shining brightly. As I was walking, with my back towards the sun, I noticed my shadow ahead of me. She was keeping time with my pace, but always ahead of me. Reminded me that shadows are evidence of sun. When I turned around to walk back towards the car my face was illuminated by sun rays ~ no more shadows ~ amazing how the sun can be just an one-hundred-eighty degree turn away!

Survivor

What does it mean to be a survivor?

noun ~ one who lives through affliction
verb ~ to remain alive; to carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere; to live; persist; to cope with a trauma or setback; to outlive

Considering the definitions above it's safe to say that I am a survivor. I can add 'spinal detethering survivor' to my growing list. But wait ~ since I have avoided brain surgery does that make me a 'brain surgery survivor?' Those of you who have had brain decompression probably totally don't agree with me at all ~ and I totally understand where you are coming from. It's a right of passage!

The old survivor guilt feeling is creeping back again ~ I know ~ it sounds narcissistic ~ but I know this feeling. I felt it when my brother died when I was two years old. Why was I left here on earth to live and he died? Then again I felt cheated when my labor/delivery of my first child ended in an emergency c-section to save both of our lives ~ again ~ I survived a near death experience ~ but felt cheated out of going through the whole natural child birth experience. That's a HUGE right of passage ~ I was up for the challenge ~ but God had other plans for me.

This brings me to today ~ it's been exactly one month since my spinal detethering. They knocked me out ~ opened up my back ~ exposed my spinal cord ~ detethered me ~ then I woke up. Alive ~ survived ~ again. I spent 17 months preparing myself for the decompression brain surgery that was scheduled for March 7, 2008. I was ready to hunker down and just muster through it all. Then ~ all of the sudden ~ my surgery has been canceled and I don't have any more Chiari symptoms! Just because I don't feel the effects of my dear brain tail doesn't mean it's gone ~ it's still there, but now it's fully hydrated and happy. My brain tail has received a last minute stay of execution from a call from the governor ~ so the brain tail has survived a near cauterization! Survivor

You can dismiss my post as the rambings of a fully hydrated brain tail ~ me, I am pondering my responsibilities as a survivor and how I can give back others who are going through hardships and trials.

Sam I am

My First Grader has recently been reading like crazy ~ she reads everything ~ making sense out of letters has opened up a whole new world to her! Just the other day, she surprised my husband by gleefully reading 'Green Eggs and Ham' all by herself! Anyone who has ventured into the nutty world of Dr. Seuss knows that mastering his books is a huge accomplishment for the emergent reader.

So last night, as bedtime rituals came to story time, I requested that she read Green Eggs and Ham to me. Let me preface this with the fact that yesterday was New Years Day ~ the day after staying up super late ~ we were all tired ~ and you as well as I know that when we are tired our brains just don't work very well. Anyway, she started to enthusiastically read the first page of the story...

That Sam I Am, that Sam I Am, I do not like that Sam I Am.

Just two seconds later my darling daughter was shedding tears of frustration ~ and me and my brain tail were empathetic. She was all upset ~ she didn't understand why the guy who was talking did not like himself!!! I'll admit ~ the book is confusing ~ the story is about the guy on the cover ~ the very first page of the book has Sam I Am holding a sign 'Sam I Am' and that's your only introduction to the annoying character.

So ~ when the tears died down a wee bit I tried to explain who 'Sam I Am' was and that he was different from the main character. But ~ SERIOUSLY ~ what is the name of the main character?? Does anyone know? I will try, again, tonight to explain the story ~ and hopefully this time sans tears. If a long explanation is needed I just don't know if my brain tail can explain it!