TEN YEARS Post Brain Surgery ~ Reflection

This time ten years ago, 12/3/2008, I was under the knife, just three hours into an eight hour brain surgery. How do you measure a year?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year? ~ Jonathan Larson

During my early recovery days, each day that passed was a monumental feat! Less pain, more mobility, fewer headaches and vertigo. One breath at a time. Looking back, healing from the pain was the easier part. I never expected the emotional & spiritual fallout that would follow.

I have observed that Medical practices in the USA focus on the physical symptoms as a measuring stick of healing progress. Less pain and an increase in quality of life = successful surgery. I agree only slightly with this statement. My recovery was/is more complex than just the physical. Before I take a hard left turn, I do want to share with you how I am doing physically post decompression. I still get migraines from time to time, I am a living barometer and sensitive to low/high barometric swings in the weather.  My sleeping has gotten better, but I am still plagued by some sleepless nights. (Don't get me started on what theories I have to explain missing time during the night that shows up on my Fitbit).  However, my quality of life has greatly improved and my hope has been restored in knowing I will have a long and happy life.

Now for the dark side of my journey...my life has been shaken up like an earthquake since 2008.

There is no doubt in my mind that I was "re-booted", awakened, during brain surgery. I came back a different version of me. I can't say that this happens to all brain surgery patients, but it absolutely happened to me. No one warned me that this was a possibility. There's was  no way to guard against it even if I knew what was going to happen. In the wake of this knowing, I did the only thing I could do, move forward and don't look back.

For a long while, I was angry at God for letting me survive brain surgery, only to have my life as I knew it figuratively burn to the ground til there was a pile of smoldering ashes left.  I know now, this transformation had to happen so that I could embrace what was in store for me just up the road.

2018 had been a momentous year. My Daddy lost his fight with cancer in May and moved into another realm. This has stirred up an unexpected review of my life. It's been painful to sit with such heavy grief that comes with losing a father, but it's also given me a renewed joy for life.

I am so very thankful for my life post braintail surgery. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing. Brain surgery was the wake up call I needed to fully embrace and discover what my purpose is during my lifetime here on the planet.

Beautiful Mess

Sure, who doesn't embrace smiles and that feeling you get when everything is going your way. Don't you wish everyday could feel that way? For those of us who have chosen the path as the encourager ~ the cheerleader ~ they tell you that you still have enough energy to get to the finish line ~ they pick you up when you can't stand on your own ~ What do we do when we aren't having a good day? Is it ok to sulk and cry? Absolutely!

It's ok to let the Lord know you are having a crummy day ~ of course He already knows how you feel, but I think He gets pleasure out of hearing us share with Him how we feel. When we are weak He give us strength. I heard this song today and these verses really resonated in my heart:

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

A great reminder to me to be in the moment ~ feel what I am feeling ~ and be ok with it. Today, admist vertigo and headaches, I am trying to find a way to rejoice in the fact that I am alive ~ to feel this discomfort is to be human. :)

Happiness Is Like A Butterfly

A month has flow by without any blog posts and yet in my draft blogs cue I have at least 70 post ideas just waiting for me to breathe life into them. ~sigh~ Oh how I wish I was wittier and had an uber interesting life ~ but truth be told ~ I am finding it hard to put my thoughts down so that they will make sense to anyone but myself.

The past month has flown by in a flurry of bug spray and cheerleading practices. I have probably swallowed a gallon of deet by now in a fruitless attempt to ward of the skeeters (that's Texas for mosquitoes). I volunteered to be an assistance coach for Hannah's cheer squad this year and I have had a great time getting to know all the girls and learning the cheers and stunting techniques.

On September 1st I passed my Microsoft SQL Server 2005 exam ~ this was my second attempt and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Funny how sometimes life throws a big road block at you. Most of the time the only option you have is to remove the barrier by passing through it. For months I felt stuck ~ unable to move forward in my life. When I sat down to take the test at the computer testing center, I bowed my head and prayed right then and there ~

'Lord ~ Please give me the brain power to pass this test so that I can focus more on my purpose for being on this planet. I don't have to make a perfect score ~ just help me to pass.'

After completing the book questions I felt pretty confident that I had passed the first part of the test, but as soon as I started the application piece of the test I felt the despair creeping in as I was certain there was no way in hell that I would pass. You can imagine my complete surprise at the end of the exam when the message popped up on the computer screen exclaiming that I had made a 70 and passed the exam. I remember answering the computer out loud with ~ 'Are you freaking kidding me?!! I proceeded to do my happy dance all the way to my car with great relief and humbling tears of joy as I thanked the Lord for answering my prayer.

When I wasn't looking ~ I think a butterfly, or two, alighted on my shoulder ~ happiness, is that you?

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me

I have found it particularly difficult to get into the Christmas spirit this year. All things considered, it's only been three weeks today since I became a zipperhead! This morning when I arose, it dawned on me ~ what is the real spirit of Christmas? The answer is painfully clear ~ the birth of the Lord's only Son ~ JESUS. Personally, I know if it were not for my faith and belief in Jesus I probably wouldn't be sitting here blogging today. Faith and prayers continue to heal me from the inside ~ out. Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas. May you have a renewing of strength and hope this Christmas season.

Psalm 139 New International Version (NIV)

1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.