Who's Your Guardian?

Today, we had our third snow storm in the last 7 days. The girls had a snow day today and the hubby was kind enough to lend me his SUV. Better to put the brain surgery survivor in the safest car during an ice storm. The drive to work was pretty uneventful ~ slow going, but nothing too treacherous.

When it was time to go home around 5 today, it took a good 15 minutes to de-ice the car that was completely encased in a day's worth of sleet and ice. Seat belt securely fastened, defroster on, snow button depressed, windshield wipers wiping away, said my prayers asking for a band of angels to protect me and others on the road, I was finally ready to join the other crazy drivers on the freeway.

The roads were challenging ~ the sleet/sneet mixture had changed over to rain which was quickly freezing the slush on the road. No lane lines could be seen on the road in front of me ~ 18-wheelers and trucks were flying down the highway like it was a dry winter evening. I was a bit annoyed, but not frightened. What's an ice covered highway compared to brain surgery? I thought, as a motored towards the safety of my house ~ surely there would be a fire lit in the fireplace by the time I safely arrived. See what I did there ~ positive thinking ~ transporting me out of the not so comfy place that I was presently.

The exit signs seemed to come into vision at a snails pace ~ shouldn't I be getting closer by now? Just then, I focused on the Exit number sign just ahead ~ only two more exits until I am home ~ but wait ~ a cluster of yellow flashing lights caught my eye as a parade of three plows were entering the highway just a quarter of a mile in front of me. Like leading a charging cavalry, they forged abreast all three lanes on the highway ~ clearing the way for all the cars behind them. Some folks would be completely exasperated if this happened to them on their way home ~ me ~ I was happy to slow down and enjoy the slush free ride to my exit.

I breathed a sigh of relief and knew that I would make it home for certain. Those three snow plows were like brave soldiers leading their people into battle ~ leading the charge must take great strength and courage. All those people are looking up to them to lead, take charge, protect them. Reminds me of a scene from Return of the King when Gandalf rides out with his staff as he thwarts the Nasgul and safely leads his people to the safety of Gondor.

You see ~ all along I was protected by guardians ~ but it wasn't until I saw the lights of the snowplows til I realized I was completely safe from harms way. Who do you turn to when you need a guardian?

To Know You ~

It's been one of those weeks ~ a weeks filled with exhaustion, headaches and vertigo. But wait, don't forget the day I was a breath way from becoming a splat on the pavement on the freeway. It's been a while since I have felt the hand of God surround me and move me silently away from danger. Message received ~ it's still not my time ~ I have work to do here.

I am digging deep and trying to remember how far I have come ~ to not brush off or minimize all that I have survived so that I can focus on encouraging those who live with trepidation.



CASTING CROWNS - To Know You

To know you is never worry for my life, and
To know you is to never to give in or compromise
To know you is to want to tell the world about you
Cause I can't live without you

To know you is to hear your voice when you are calling
To know you is to catch my brother when he is falling
To know you is to feel the pain of the broken hearted
Cause they can't live with out you.

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

To know you is to ache for more than ordinary
To know you is to look beyond the temporary
To know you is believing that you will be enough
Cause there is no life without you

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All I'm reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

All this life could offer me, could not compare to you
Compare to you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All I'm reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

Compared to you
Compared to you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you

Life Is So Much More Than What Your Eyes Are Seeing

I believe Christmas is a time for miracles, love and unexplainable happiness. If this is true, how come I hear stories of hearts breaking, hopes dashed, fears realized? Pain and despair are all around us ~ if not directly going on in our lives, chances are that we have a friend or family member who is in the fight of their life.

I know that I alone can't take away any of these trials, as much as I would love to wash it all away. But there's always hope ~ I encourage anyone reading this post to share the message of hope ~ of faith ~ What can faith do in your life?

WHAT FAITH CAN DO ~ KUTLESS
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

NCB ~ Simply ~ The BEST

Our North Colonie Pee Wee Large cheer team competed at the Eastern Regional competition last weekend in Trenton, NY. Our cars were covered in shoe polish with NORTH COLONIE BISON. The top two teams go on to compete at the National level in Florida, Walt Disney World. Last year we missed going to Nationals by TWO points.

After the NY competitions were done we had three weeks to totally re-choreographed our routine to kick it up a notch so that we would have a shot at placing in the top two.. We threw in one legged stunts ~ liberties, arabesques and a heal stretch. Practices were long and tiring, but the girls rose above all the sicknesses that plagued our squad and made it work.

When it came time for us to take the floor and practice one last time before performing ~ confidence was shaken to the core for Hannah. The noise level in the arena was high ~ the girls couldn't even hear us shouting out the eight counts to walk through their routine. For whatever reason Hannah's stunt group didn't get her up and there wasn't a second chance to practice again. Our team was ushered off the practice mats and we got in line to perform. Emotions were running high ~ there was electricity in the air with anticipation of performing our 2:30 minute cheer/dance.

Us coaches were getting the girls pumped up ~ wishing them good luck and getting ready to say goodbye to them before their performance. I glanced over at Hannah and saw her tear streaked face ~ she was totally devastated ~ she was shaken and I had to find a way to get her past defeat and focused on the huge task at hand. She is a flyer this year and goes up in the air a couple of times during the routine. If her confidence didn't come back and quickly it would have spelled disaster for the routine.

I rushed over to embrace her ~ looked in her red eyes and told her she was going to nail her performance ~ shake off the feeling of inadequacy and make it work. I stepped away from her to let the other coaches swoop in to boost her up, too. She got the water works flowing for me and I had to turn away to hide my tears from the rest of the team. We said goodbye and took our places in the tunnel where the coaches wait until our team takes the floor. What a nerve wracking 30+ minutes we waited!

When our NC Bison took the floor we were ushered to the coaches box to watch them perform. We all held hands tightly ~ my heart was beating a million beats a second ~ I said another prayer ~ took a deep breath and waited for them to begin. When our girls spirited onto the floor I could see their smiles and their energy was bubbly ~ they had taken the floor to give it their all and they were happy! Their performance was flawless ~ not one bobble ~ all the stunts went up ~ what an answer to prayer. When they were done we all leaped to our feet ~ screaming ~ jumping up and down. Our girls had given it their all ~ and now we waited for the results.

Truthfully, I didn't even want to watch the other teams compete. We had done our best and our fate was in the hands of the judges. When all the teams took the floor for the awards ceremony I had high hopes that we would place,but had no idea if we had done well enough to go to Nationals. When they announced our team as the THIRD PLACE winners it was bittersweet ~ yeah we missed the coveted second and first place, but we had competed with a tough competition. There were tears of disappointment, but by the time we left the arena our girls filed out with smiles on their faces and heads held high.

Not until a couple of days later did we find out what the other team's scores were ~ that's when our third place win became even more bittersweet ~ we missed Disney by one third of a point!! That's 0.333333333 ~ Last year we came in FOURTH ~ this year THIRD ~ next year ~ DISNEY.

It's the Climb

Often, I get swept away in the flurry of activity in my life ~ it helps me to not focus so much on the tireless climbing. Chiari never takes a vacation ~ the brain tail might sleep in late after a full day of inflicting pain, but awakes soon enough. In light of our cheer competition last weekend (that's another post) it's hit home more than ever that life is all about the climb.

Living with Chiari is a climb, but along the way lives have been touched ~ healing is going on all around us. I am trying to re-focus and stop looking behind at the past and ahead at the future and stay in the moment ~ the now ~ the ground beneath me. Won't you join me?

THE CLIMB ~ Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it, that dream I'm dreamin but,

there's a voice inside my head saying, you'll never reach it.

every step I'm taking every move I make feels lost with no direction, my faith is shaking,

but I, I gotta keep trying I gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move

always gonna be an uphill battle and sometimes I'm gonna have to lose it

ain't about how fast I get there ain't about what's waiting on the other side

its the climb

The struggles I'm facing

the chances I'm taking

sometimes might knock me down but

no I'm not breaking

I may not know it but these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most yeah just gotta keep going and I

got be strong gotta keep on pushing on cuz

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

always gonna be an uphill battle sometimes

I'm gonna have to lose ain't about how fast I get there

ain't about whats waiting on the other side

its the climb

keep on moving keep climbing

keep the faith babe

its all about its all about the climb

keep the faith keep your faith

Keeping the Faith

I am reading Dan Brown's Angels and Demons and I just came across a brilliantly written paragraph about terror. In light of the TCI ongoing investigation this really hit home and explains the ripple effect of terror.

"'Terrorism', the professor had lectured, 'has a singular goal. What is it?' ...'To cause terror?'
'Concisely put. Quite simply, the goal of terrorism is to create terror and fear. Fear undermines faith in the establishment. It weakens the enemy from within...causing unrest in the masses. Write this down. Terrorism is not an expression of rage. Terrorism is a political weapon. Remove a government's facade of infallibility, and you remove it's people's faith.' Loss of faith..."

Life continues to teach me many hard lessons ~ some numerous times ~ life is hard ~ the good guys don't always win ~ nothing is fair ~ pain comes from living a full life ~ there is good and evil in all situations. I thought that maybe after surviving brain surgery that I would be exempt from anymore hardships ~ clearly I had a delusional moment ~ but it's OK ~ I still have a lot of living to do and a lot to learn.

This post might seem a little cryptic, but I am sorting out something in my head. I have really had to sit and simmer for a while ~ remove myself from an emotional tornado ~ the mama bear in me wants to spring forth and play the protector. Faith has been completely shattered for many and getting that trust back is a slow and long process. I am so thankful that I am where I am in my chiari journey so that I have a clarity that comes from stepping out in faith and entrusting my life to brilliant neurosurgeons.

~Sigh~ How do I find the strength to continue to do my part to infuse the chiari community with a renewed hope and faith in surgeons who heal? One breath at a time ~ one baby step at a time. Living with Chiari is a moment by moment struggle ~ a lifelong battle ~ but there is so much more to life than living and dying. As long as I am breathing I will continue to encourage those of you who need someone to cheer you along in your journey ~ you are never alone! Finding joy and a peace that passes all understanding ~

If You Want Me To - Ginny Owens

What A Package Deal: Faith, Hope, Wisdom and Courage ~

A month ago, I had a bucket full of iris bulbs in my garage that have traveled all the way from Texas to New York. The story behind the traveling bulbs is that they were originally dug up out of the ground at a family property in the Texas Hill Country back in the early 1970s. Since then they have been planted ~ dug up ~ stored ~ transplanted ~ and so the cycle repeats over and over again with each move. So here we are in 2009 and I just put the bulbs in the ground. They have been sitting in our garage for almost THREE years ~ since we moved I just haven't gotten around to transplanting them ~ and finally I can check them off my list.

I always thought that the spring time wasn't the greatest time to put bulbs in the ground, but I knew if I waited much longer, I would blink and another year would have flown by. I also was not expecting any blooms this year as I thought the blooms had to sit in the ground a year before producing blooms ~ guess I was wrong! You can imagine my surprise when I noticed just the other day that we have a couple of deep purple blooms peeking out ~ just waiting to burst forth with breathtaking blooms.

Since nature always seems to be speaking to me I looked up the meaning of the Iris flower and was reassured that certainly their symbolism speaks louder than words. The iris is associated with faith, hope, wisdom and courage. I'll take two helpings of that!

There's Some Good In this World Worth Fighting For

Yesterday there was a public announcement that Dr. Bolognese ~ neurosurgeon extraordinaire has been reinstated to resume business as usual again ~ This is great news for the Chiari community. I have seen every spectrum of emotions just flooding out of bloggers across the community ~ anger, rage, fear, hopeless, dread, panic ~ I can't tell you how many of you I have talked down from the bridge ~ urging you to keep the faith in TCI ~ lean on the facts and not the feelings. Dr. B is a groundbreaking, incredible doctor ~ those are the facts ~ he has restored my health to 90% and I am forever grateful :)

Something I have learned as a brain surgery survivor and as a chiarian is that when all hope fades and all you can see is darkness enveloping you, this is when faith steps in and shines a light in those dark places. I think we all can stop holding out breaths and breathe a deep sigh of relief. I had my post op f/u appointment today at TCI ~ I have news. but more on that in another post. Just a reminder that no matter what life continues to throw me, there's always something good in this world worth fighting for ~ looking for more brighter days.

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

Leeland-Brighter Days Lyrics

Time keeps moving on
Through the sunshine and the storm
And my dreams are set in stone
And someday I’ll be who I want to be
For now I’ll wait
For the sun to shine again
And for now I’ll wait
For the rain to pass away

And I’m looking for the brighter days
When all my hurts seem to fade away
I’m looking for the brighter days to come my way

Faces come and faces go
But none seem to look my way
And walls have stood and walls have fallen
But my heart seems to wait
For now I’ll sit at the end of the road
And for now I’ll wait
At the end of the pathway

I’ll see the sun one day shine upon me
I’ll see the sun one day
And watch the night time turn to morning
But for now it all comes back around

I Believe In The Sun Even When It's Not Shining

It's easy to get lost in the dreariness of winter. It seems like the wintry mix and clouds will never part. That's what I was thinking on my drive in to work this morning ~ then as quickly as the depressing thoughts came into my head, they were gone with the sound of lyrics on the radio that transported me once again to a place of hope and warmth.

I Believe In Love ~ Barlow Girl

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?

Is there still faith in me to reach the end?

I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith

But giving up would cost me everything

So I'll stand in the pain and silence

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending

That doesn't mean the dark night has no end

It's only here that I find faith

And learn to trust the one who writes my days

So I'll stand in the pain and silence

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe No dark can consume Light

No death greater than this life

We are not forgotten

Hope is found when we say

Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe.

When Doubt Creeps In

Last night was the first night since my surgery that I can say that I got a good night of rest. When I awoke this morning, for a second, I totally forgot that I had even had surgery.

Shortly after awaking, I stumbled down stairs to make a strong pot of coffee. As I was filling up the pot with water a speck of red caught the corner of my eye. I peered out the kitchen window and saw the most brilliant cardinal perched on a frozen tree in our neighbors back yard. In an instant, I felt the hand of God on my left shoulder and the words, "It's going to be all right!". Then the words of Amy Grant's song, All Right. started playing in my head:
It's going to be all right, you give me what I need ~ That it's all right what may come. What strengthens hope my eyes will never see.
Just this morning as I was washing the misty visions of sleep away, the doubt was seeping in. Making me second guess my decision to have brain surgery. Why in the world would I put myself all of this pain and rehab? Couldn't I have lived with my symptoms forever, learn how to deal with it? And then, the vision of the cardinal ~ bold, scarlet, standing out in sharp contrast against the icy background, clear and inescapable. If you have been following my blog for a while I have mentioned the symbolism of the cardinal many times. Whenever I see them they send me powerful messages right on the spot.

ALL RIGHT ~ Amy Grant

Looking out to the hills

To the setting sun

I feel a cold wind

Bound to come

Another change

Another end I cannot see

But your faithfulness to me is making it

[Chorus:]

All right

I fall down on my knees

Tell me that it's all right

You give me what I need

Years of knocking on heaven's door

Have taught me this if nothing more

That it's all right, what may come

I've heard it said

When the river's running high

You get to higher ground or you die

Well muddy waves of pain

Washed over me

And it only made me see it's gonna be

[Chorus]

When will I learn there're no guarantees

What strengthens hope, my eyes have never seen

But it won't be long

Till the faith will be sight

And the heavens will say

It's all right

[Chorus]

All Right - Amy Grant

Then, There Was Before Me An Open Door

Hi, my name is Lacie and I am no longer an addict. It's day two of no morphine and even though I still have a wee bit of the shakes my head feels so much more clear. I have been taking Advil for the pain as needed and it seems to be working. It's only been 9 days since my brain lift and I am already bored to tears ~ seriously!

We had a wicked ice storm last night and I was awoken from sleep every hour with the crashing sound of falling limbs. Thank goodness we didn't lose our power. The sleet has changed over to snow this morning and I have to say it's beginning to work on my non-existent Christmas spirit already. I apologize in advance for a scattered blog, but the brain isn't firing on all cylinders just yet. So, apparently I blogged at least once while I was in the hospital. I remember writing, but have no idea what I said. The funny thing was the pulse-ox meter that was on my finger was beeping like crazy the whole time I was tying, because I was supposed to be still. I am still trying to unwind all the thoughts in my brain about all the experiences I went through over the past 2 weeks.

One feeling that was predominant through everything was a sense of peace and calm ~ completely. Prayers were definitely heard and answered. I knew I was being cared by the best of the best chiari docs and had no fear. Even on the worst days I knew that if I just kept breathing I would certainly get through it all. ~sigh ~ So, I can't officially wash my hair until 2 weeks post-op ~ next Wednesday, 12/17 ~ last night John and Mom managed to throw some plastic bags over my incision and were able to wash what hair i have left. The pony tail hair doo is beginning to get very fashionable around here. OK ~ need to lay down for a while ~ more later ~ thanks so much for all the comments and messages. Who knew I had such a big fan club. Love you all ~ send me some ideas to quench this boredom, please ~

Kilimanjaro

A very wise chiari friend of mine told me that when she was getting ready to have her brain decompressed she planned her dream vacation. That way, when she was feeling miserable she would have something to look forward to. She suggested that I do the same. The task at hand is harder than it might sound. All of the 'road blocks' immediately come to mind trying to squash my dream like an unwelcome bug before it's come to life! Where will I come up with the money for a trip? How will I take the time off? Will I ever be healed enough to do what I want to do?

One of my dreams is to summit Mt Kilimanjaro. I was intrigued when I read Seven Summits a couple of years ago. I am fascinated that you start out in the rain forest and end up in Arctic like conditions on the summit. The book I am reading, Learning to Breathe, Alison Wright, the author's dream when she is recovering is to summit Mt Kilimanjaro on her 40's birthday. Just the other day I saw the story about Ann Curry climbing Kilimanjaro, too ~ coincidence? So ~ yeah ~ Kilimanjaro's on the list. I guess the biggest question is who can I wrangle to go with me on the journey? Any volunteers?

Ducks In A Row????

The last 24 hours have been an emotional roller coaster. I sent off my short term disability info to be filled out for my upcoming surgery and found out that the RN who is taking care of my case at TCI is out of the office. Ok ~ I can roll with that ~ sent my info along to the person who is covering for her. I received an heart attack worthy e-mail yesterday that basically said that they couldn't fill out my paperwork, because I had not seen a doc at TCI in over 6 months. GULP!!!!

Needless to say I had a moment or two of panic last night. Holy HEAT ~ does this mean they might cancel my surgery??? They specifically told me that I didn't need another appt before my surgery ~ OI!!! So I fired off an e-mail with all kinds of questions for said representative asking what can I do to remedy this problem. This morning I received a call from TCI. I recognized the area code on the caller ID at once. Before answering the phone I took a deep breath and just turned over the whole situation to God. Seriously ~ what else could I do?

So it turns out, the woman I spoke to didn't even know that I was scheduled for surgery in 21 days ~ she couldn't even locate my file!!!! So I filled her in on the details and what was going on with my case. ~ sigh ~ I even offered to find the paperwork that was filled out earlier in the year for my detethering so that she can duplicate the info on the current forms. I feel so for everyone who works at TCI. They seemed so over worked and under appreciated. I know their patient load is hard to keep up with. So, for now, the train seems to have avoided a derailment. I just hope they locate my file before I get there so that there isn't any confusion.

Earlier today I was listening to a song I first heard when I was in college ~ Higher Ways by Steven Curtis Chapman. Again, the lyrics really touched me, softened my heart and changed my attitude that had become bitter last night.

Take a listen for yourself and see if it has the same effect on you ~

If I could only fly

I'd go up and look down from the sky

So I could see the bigger picture

And Lord if I could sit with You

At Your feet for an hour or two

I'm sure I'd ask too many questions

'Cause there's so much going on down here

That I must confess I just don't understand

But I have prayed

And at your feet my whole life has been laid

So I wont worry I wont be afraid

'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways

Let the road ahead become unclear

I am Yours so what have I to fear

If my soul is resting on Your higher ways

CHORUS

Your higher ways teach me to trust You

Your higher ways are not like mine

Your higher ways are the ways of the Father

Hiding His children in His love

So let it rain

And if my eyes grow dim with tears of pain

This hope I have will not be washed away

'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways

Maybe then You will take me aside

And show me the bigger picture

But until I'm with You

I'll be here with a heart that is true

And a soul that's resting on Your higher ways

Steep Climb Up Ahead

I am all for mental preparation ~ If there's something I have committed to I want to know what to expect. My experiences in the past have gone well when I have faced a dark situation with this attitude,
Hope for the best, but expect the worse.
I know, it sounds a little pessimistic, even for me, but it's the truth. With that said, my sister gave me a book (Learning to Breathe, by Alison Wright) for my birthday that has been a great inspiration to me and I am only half way through the book. It's a story about a photojournalist who found herself in a almost fatal bus accident in a foreign country. I won't give away the whole plot, but she was a breath away from death and chose to live and fight through her injuries to live.

Last night I read a sentence that really resonated with me ~

"Even in the darkness all we can do is keep moving forward."

This reminds me that all I have to do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually I will find myself no longer in the inky darkness of pain. How's this for perfect imagery, yesterday was cold, windy, rainy, overcast, the sun never came out all day. A super dreary New England day. This morning I awoke to a brilliantly shining sun, crisp, cool air. Even after the darkest night the sun will rise in the East.

So, I am off to church this morning, then Skyler's b-day party followed by the Giant game ~ Hey, anyone out there following college football? How about my Texas Tech Red Raiders!!!

Cause when I am weak your strength is complete

It's times like this where I can't find the words to express what I am feeling ~ it's been just all too overwhelming this week. But then I hear a song on the radio and the lyrics seem to speak for me to interpret what's going on in my heart. Something I am learning is that the more things seem to unravel in my life the message that God is sending me becomes clearer. HE continues to provide, continues to sustain me, holds me up, lifts my spirits. I am in awe ~ speechless.

Sufficient - Adie Camp

Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to you

Hear my prayer Lord and carry me through

In your mercy in the promise you made

Be my strength Lord when my strength fades away

Cause when I am weak your strength is complete

It's perfect

Completely all I need

Sufficient for me

Your grace and peace are perfect

Completely all I need

You're all that I need

In my weakness I'm finding your strength

In my sorrow a gentle embrace

Through the seasons of laughter or pain

You are listening When I call out your name

I'll find you when I seek I'll look for you with all of my heart

And I'll find you when I'm weak

Cause you are strong

Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to you

Hear my prayer Lord and carry my through

Carry me through

New Discoveries Awaken the Muse

There's nothing like the shock and awe factor to awaken the Muse from her slumber. ~Sigh~ Thanks for all the happy birthday wishes ~ they really made my day. The picture above was the only thing I could think about today. The shock has worn off ~ WARNING ~ if you put your daughter into an MRI machine to capture pictures of her brain, prepare yourself for what might be revealed.

That's Skyler's brain ~ recognize the all too familiar brain tail in there? Hers is minimal ~ 5-6mm herniation. Actually, we haven't even received the official phone call from the doctor yet. I was finally able to open the MRI disk that the hospital gave to me. I immediately e-mailed my pediatrician to see if she had heard anything from the neurosurgeon yet and she confirmed my suspicions.

More later ~ I just wanted to let you all know what's going on on my lil speck on this planet. I keep reminding myself that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. More will be revealed. I just thank God that I know what Chiari is and will make it my mission in life to prevent Skyler from having any kind of brain surgery.

God is in sovereign control over the difficulties and the pain

I read this on a fellow blogger's post ~ I tried cutting sentences out that really spoke to me ~ but truthfully ~ the whole excerpt really spoke to me in a moment when I really needed encouragement to be thankful in all circumstances.

Jerry Bridges' message found as chapter 1 in the Stand book. Here's an excerpt...
...Lamentations 3:38 says to us, “Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come?” That is, God is in sovereign control over the difficulties and the pain just as much as he is in control over what we would consider to be the good things, the blessings of this life. Now we should thank God for the good things of life. We are to be thankful people. But what about the bad things, the things that we would not choose to have in our lives? Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 to “give thanks in all circumstances,” and then he adds, “for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” That is to say, it is the moral will of God that we give thanks in all circumstances....

How do we do this? We do it by faith. We don’t just grit our teeth and say, “Lord, I don’t feel thankful, but you said to give thanks, so I’m going to give you thanks even though I don’t feel thankful.” That’s not giving thanks. We do it by faith. We do it by trusting in the promises of God. We do it by faith in the words of God through Paul in Romans 8:28–29, where he says “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love him.” And then he defines the good in verse 29 as being conformed to the likeness of the Lord Jesus Christ. This is what God is after.

He wants to conform us to the likeness of Christ; so he brings or allows these various circumstances, circumstances that we ourselves would not choose. He brings them into our lives because he wants to use those circumstances in his way to conform us more and more to the likeness of Christ. And so by faith we can say, “Lord, I do not know what particular purpose you have in this difficulty or this pain, this trial. But you said that you will use it to conform me more and more to Jesus Christ, and for that I give you thanks.” So we give thanks by faith. "
Stand: A Call for the Endurance of the Saints, chapter 1 "Four Essentials for Finishing Well" by Jerry Bridges, page 34.

“Mommy, I think God might be coming for me!”

The other night my eldest daughter, Hannah, woke up and stumbled downstairs and sat down in the middle of the kitchen. She had been asleep for about an hour already ~ she was shaking and out of sorts. She complained of a sore throat and had a belly ache. I berated her with questions, trying to figure out what was wrong and what kind of medication would get her on her way back up to bed.

I dampened a washcloth, put it on her head and escorted her upstairs. I tried to tuck her into bed but she was so distraught ~ tossing and turning. Finally I managed to convince her to take some Tylenol. Hannah is a super healthy kid. She doesn't have many experiences with fevers and chills, so when she doesn't feel 100% she completely freaks out. She was delirious with fear as I was trying to explain to her that she probably picked up a virus and her body was killing it with the fever. I tried to quell her fears ~ told her to relax and go to sleep and then she would feel better when she woke up.

The things she said while her little mind was trying to grasp what was happening to her were cracking me up ~

“Mommy, I am not as brave as people think I am!”
“I just don’t know how much longer I can take this. I am just a CHILD, Mommy!”
“Mommy, I think God might be coming for me!”

The next morning, Hannah felt back to1 00% and we had a good laugh as I repeated to her what she had said the night before. I am so thankful that she hasn't learned how to be a good patient ~ to surrender to the pain. I was thinking back to the day after my spinal detethering ~ hooked up to a morphine pump ~ breathing through the incredible pain as I turned over in bed. Without a doubt the most painful experience in my lifetime, so far, but not one day did I shed a tear. I was focused, surrendering to the pain ~ letting it swallow me whole. Deep breath ~ hang in ~ persevere ~ get through it. I know that the sun always rises after a long, dark night of hopelessness. I have to believe it with every cell in my body ~ it's the only thing that keeps me alive. I pray that my children NEVER get comfortable with pain ~ ever.

Hope and Perseverance

Since my muse seems to have high tailed it out of Dodge I am taking a stab at reviving a blog that I started a few months ago. Huh ~ in looking at the date that I created this blog posting it was 2/4/08. Doing the math in my head ~ I was in the hospital ~ probably still hooked up to a morphine pump when I found this picture to the left and thought that I might want to write about HOPE sometime in the near future.

I seem to be up to my eyeballs in HOPE right now ~

I hope I can deal with the vertigo until December 3rd.

I hope and pray that I don't have to have a fusion along with the decompression.

I hope I don't lose my mind waiting for brain surgery.

I hope I don't lose my personality.

I hope people don't treat me differently after I have my brain tail hovel renovated.

You get the picture ~ a whole lot of hoping ~ But what exactly does HOPE mean? Many things come to mind...


First ~ this is a shocker, I hear lyrics singing in my head:

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder You get your fill to eat But
always keep that hunger May you never take one single breath for granted God
forbid love ever leave you empty handed I hope you still feel small When you
stand by the ocean Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens Promise me
you'll give faith a fighting chance And when you get the choice to sit it out or
dance I hope you dance I hope you dance " ~ Lee Ann Womack

"I hope, for more love, more joy and laughter. I hope, we'll have more than
we'll ever need. I hope, we'll have more happy ever after. I hope, we can
all live more fearlessly. And we can lose all the pain and misery. I hope, I
hope" ~ The Dixie Chicks

Pippin: Is there any hope, Gandalf, for Frodo and Sam?

Gandalf: There never was much hope. Just a fool's hope.



For me ~ there's always hope ~ as long as I am breathing ~ there's hope. Just when I think I can't possibly hold on a second longer I realize that God is holding onto me and won't let me fall.

Just like the Casting Crowns lyrics "I'm not holding onto you ~ you are holding onto me." (I posted the song below). So with that said, I hope that some of my hope will spill over to some of you out there. Wherever you are in your journey ~ may you find hope in places where you thought all hope was lost.

Psalm 25:5 (Whole Chapter) Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.

Step of Faith

I ready these daily devotionals ~ I look forward to reading them as I start my day. They always seem to speak right to my heart and whatever struggle I happen to be dealing with. The one today totally floored me ~ What a great affirmation as I step out in faith knowing that He will take care of the details. It's time to put the brain tail in it's place.

Cooperating with the Holy Spirit ~ by Rick Warren
Let the Spirit change your way of thinking. Ephesians 4:23 (CEV)
*** *** *** ***
Throughout the Bible we see an important truth illustrated over and over: the Holy Spirit releases his power the moment you take a step of faith. When Joshua was faced with an impassible barrier, the flood waters of the Jordan River receded only after the leaders stepped into the rushing current in obedience and faith. Obedience unlocks God’s power.

God waits for you to act first. Don’t wait to feel powerful or confident. Move ahead in your weakness, doing the right thing in spite of your fears and feelings. This is how you cooperate with the Holy Spirit, and it is how your character develops. The Bible compares spiritual growth to a seed, a building, and a child growing up. Each metaphor requires active participation: seeds must be planted and cultivated, buildings must be built – they don’t just appear – and children must eat and exercise to grow.

Paul explains in Ephesians 4:22-24 our three responsibilities in becoming like Christ.
First, we must choose to let go of old ways of acting. “Everything . . . connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it!” (Ephesians 4:22 MSG).

Second, we must change the way we think. “Let the Spirit change your way of thinking” (Ephesians 4:23 CEV). The Bible says we are “transformed” by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2). The Greek word for transformed, metamorphosis (used in Romans 12:2 and 2 Corinthians 3:18), is used today to describe the amazing change a caterpillar goes through in becoming a butterfly. It is a beautiful picture of what happens to us spiritually when we allow God to direct our thoughts: we are changed from the inside out, we become more beautiful, and we are set free to soar to new heights.

Third, we must put on the character of Christ by developing new, godly habits. Your character is essentially the sum of your habits; it is how you habitually act. The Bible says, “Put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:24 NIV).
© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.