Truth ~ truth finds a way of making it's way up to the surface. Truth wants to be heard. So truth be told ~ I have felt the effects of the brain tail creeping back ~ slowly oozing like toothpaste being squeezed from it's tube. Back of the head headaches, sounds are less and less tolerable ~ the brain tail barometer seems to be in tune with the low pressure fronts again. These are things I can live with ~ at least I don't have vertigo, numbness/tingling in my legs and arms ~ but nevertheless ~ I am feeling unsettled!These symptoms do not make me a happy camper ~ I want to be focusing on recovery ~ getting stronger ~ moving forward. A part of me is kicking myself for allowing myself to believe in the unbelievable ~ to totally dismiss the inevitability of brain surgery. More than anything I am disgruntled with God for not making my path clear!
This morning at church I was reminded that God's timing is always perfect. Although I may never be able to understand why ~ time and time again I look back and see that His timing is perfect. Why didn't I go ahead and get the decompression over with on March 7th? The Surgeons wanted me to wait and see what effect the detethering has on my brain tail. Fair enough ~ they are the experts! Why have I been given this time to rest up and heal only to have brain surgery scheduled later this year? I don't have any answers right now ~ at least until I have new MRI's done of the brain tail in early May.
I have had some conversations with God today ~ I let Him know that I am impatient ~ I want to know some answers today ~ right now. I have been humbled once again by the fact that I can't possibly know what's up ahead when I have placed my life in God's hands. I trust His timing ~ my job is to be still and patiently wait..
Be Still & Know ~ Steven Curtis Chapman
Be still and know that he is God
Be still and know that he is holy
Be still oh restless soul of mine
Bow before the prince of peace
Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still and know that he is God
Be still and know that he is faithful
Consider all that he has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that he will never change
Be still Be still and know that he is God
Be still and know that he is God
Be still and know that he is God
Be still. Be speechless.
Be still and know that he is God
Be still and know he is our father
Come rest your head upon his breast
Listen to the rhythm of His unfailing heart of love
Beating for his little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still Be still
9 comments:
Hi Lace.. I can totally relate to this feeling of "needing to move forward"..getting it overwith.. Im sorry that your having an off day..I like to read Psalm 142 >>
Prayer for Help in Trouble.
Maskil of David, when he was in the cave. A Prayer.
1 I cry aloud with my voice to the LORD; I make supplication with my voice to the LORD.
2 I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare my trouble before Him.
3 When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, You knew my path. In the way where I walk They have hidden a trap for me.
4 Look to the right and see; For there is no one who regards me; There is no escape for me; No one cares for my soul.
5 I cried out to You, O LORD; I said, “You are my refuge, My portion in the land of the living.
6 “Give heed to my cry, For I am brought very low; Deliver me from my persecutors, For they are too strong for me.
7 “Bring my soul out of prison, So that I may give thanks to Your name; The righteous will surround me, For You will deal bountifully with me.”
...I love this scripture...it's very humbling..I pray that you feel better..both physicaly and emotionaly..Be Well..
Dee
“My soul is sorrowful even to death.
Remain here and keep watch with me.”
He advanced a little and fell prostrate in prayer, saying,
“My Father, if it is possible,
let this cup pass from me;
yet, not as I will, but as you will.” I will remain here, Little Lacie, though not as closely as I'd like, and I will keep watch with you.
I promise I did not look at your entry prior to writing mine today yet their themes are eerily similar. It's out of our hands and our schedules and always in His.
You're always in my prayers,
Leslie
Lace, So sorry that you are experiencing symptoms again :-( I'm thinking of you and praying too!
Love, Sherri
www.caringbridge.org/oh/kara
Lace-
I'm going to tell you something you probably don't want to hear. I had the decompression, and however unfortunately, I still have some occipital headaches (I did stop counting them, I found that to be a bad plan), still get less than wonderful feeling with pressure changes and do not feel 100%, which is not great, however, my surgery was considered a success. I think one of the unfortunate realities that neurosurgeons do not share with us is that being "cured" does not equal being "normal" because you simply never will be. Even if they decompress and shrink up your cerebellum, you will still have effects. I've yet to meet anyone who has walked away from surgery and lived a completely normal life.
It's not fair and please don't think me rude for telling you, I just don't want you to go back and have the pfd for these symptoms and then feel frustrated with those results (though I do acknowledge that I very well might be wrong, for I do not know more than anyone else what will happen). I admit that I do feel SO much better. Like you, the vertigo, the nystagmus, the tunnel vision and the lack-of-coordination is amazingly improved, but I still get some headaches and I still don't feel the way I thought I would.
It sucks, but it's part of God's plan and I'm just trying each day to learn what that means for me and my future. Both of us will be okay, it's just going to take time and patience, and I don't know about you, but sometimes it's hard for me come by.
I wish you nothing but luck and if you have any questions about the pfd let me know and maybe I can be of some help. If you need to email me, my address is kt.irvin@gmail.com
Many hugs and prayers
Hey there. Thanks for following up with me after surgery. It is encouraging to know you are out there... You know the dr. didn't touch my brain tail either, he just took some bones out. at the time I was thinking, what!? i thought it was a complete package, you do bones and tail. but no, he said if your foot was too big for your shoe, you wouldn't cut your foot off, you would get a bigger shoe. makes sense enough. but still even after the bones are out, the tail is still 9mm in the spinal canal. dr said he opened up the spinal canal enough to possibly give the tail some breathing room. he said he couldn't guarantee anything. so he will do another mri in wks. i will let you know. I am telling you all this because i don't know if it is going to be easy to accept any of this. truth is we have a brain disease. and i think even after all the surgies its still going to be there. have u noticed all the people on these support groups, even after surgery, are still in pain and stuff. i know my family and friends have no idea that its still going to be a problem in some way for the rest of our lives. all i know and have to rely on is one day in heaven, we will be healed.... so if not here, somewhere someday we will be healed! i am praying for you....
Honey, I'm sorry you have to continue to go through these symptoms. I guess things could be a whole lot worse, but it is still a bitter pill to swallow. Maybe we should move to Arizona or somewhere where there is lots of high pressure! Whatever you/we need to do, I'll walk with you every step of the way. Much journey still to come, I'm sure.
Your blog-lurking husband
We continue to keep you in our prayers! Great words of encouragement in the Steven Curtis Chapman song. Thinking of you...
Cousin Mary
I'm with John. Go West! I love you baby and understand your down time. It's got to be par for the course. Hang in there. "Being still", what a hard thing to do with this Morrison blood flowing through our veins. Some times I just feel like stapping on some kilts and charging the "hill"! Love you, Dad
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