Sunday, June 10, 2007

Bring on the Rain

"How can I praise you with all that I have been through? How could circumstances possibly change who I forever am in you!

You are much greater than the pain ~ bring my anything that brings you glory ~ this life will bring me pain ~ but if that what it takes to praise you ~ Jesus bring the rain."

Brilliant lyrics ~ like they were written for me in this time, this moment ~ solid words of encouragement. I am finishing up packing up the house for the move this week ~ all of our possessions reduced to piles of cardboard boxes. The walls are empty, plain ~ I go to get something and realize that it has already been neatly packed up. I am almost feeling prepared for the move ~ the calm before the storm ~ it's going to be a good move ~ but I am a little stressed out about the giant task before me. My brain tail does not take kindly to stress ~ it throws me into a sea of confusion and panic ~ I am learning how to quiet the chaos in my head ~ telling myself that it's all made up ~ I can do this ~ I am good at handling stress ~ everything will turn out OK.

I continue to have moments when I feel all hope is lost ~ how could my body be failing me more and more? I can hardly remember what it felt like to be strong and healthy. I attempted to go on a slow jog on Friday ~ my legs just wouldn't move at more than a turtles pace ~ I fear that the tethered cord is pulling me down, literally! Again, how can I hate something that is a part of me. If something is broke, fix it now, not in a month or two ~ not wait until the insurance company decides if it's ok or not to have the surgery done ~ NOW!

So ~ I press on ~ using the move as a huge distraction ~ bring on the rain ~


sandy said...

Hanging in the dangle is never comfy. Especially when you--emotionally--and your brain tail--physically--are both doing it. Bring on the rain....


E said...

I'm reminded of The Incredible Hulk. I can hear the brain tail saying "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." Or 2001: A Space Odyssey, "I can't do that Lacie."

Hang in there baby.

lace1070 said...

Exactly! My brain tail is quite the wild card ~ completely unpredictable ~
now if I start leaking green blood ~ then we are really in trouble!!!