Brother Fire

Fire is such a primal energy source and yet I still would fail miserably at being a pyromaniac. Seriously, I have so much trouble lighting a fire in the fireplace. I can get the fire lit, but it fails to meet my expectations ~ how silly is that?! I want to see a blazing fiery furnace, but a good fire takes patience and time. Just because there aren't leaping flames doesn't mean that heat isn't being generated. I know, this is all so elemental, but it made me ponder a bit on this snowy, icy night. Just for the record, no, I have not fallen off the wagon and started using morphine again!

Fire makes me think of one of my favorite Bible stories, The Fiery Furnace. The bulk of the story is about three men (Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego) who would not bow down and worship a golden statue so the king ordered them to be thrown into a fiery furnace to die. They claimed that God would spare them from death. The fire was so hot that it killed the men who threw Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego into the furnace. The king was awestruck when he saw FOUR men walking around in the furnace. Perhaps an angel was sent to protect them from death. When the men were ordered out of the fire, not a hair on their head was singed.

I've rambled on again ~ surprised? But really, I learned something from brother FIRE today, even if there aren't raging flames, energy is still being created. It mirrors my life right now ~ my steady recovery. I might want an intense flame, but in reality I have red coals, providing a steady flow of heat. It's so painfully hard to pace myself in this recovery process. I don't feel pain until I have waaaay overdone it. I keep having to remind myself that this is going to be a slow process. Thank you FIRE for subtly reminding me and teaching me to be more like the slow burning coals.

Happy Monthsary!

How could a month passed by so quickly ~ one breath at a time. It's been a month since my brain lift ~ I survived Christmas and New Years Eve. I really don't have any complaints. My recovery is moving along at warp speeds. According to my husband, AKA Warden Bubba, I need to park it and slow down a bit. In theory, that's good advice, but he is out of the house 40 hours a week at work and I no longer require any caretakers ~ you connect the dots.

I started physical therapy and am doing quite well. It's such a humbling experience to pick up three pound free weights and do bicep curls when I used to curl 10-15 lbs before the brain tail hurled me down a dark and twisted path. The hand bike was the most challenging exercise I did today at PT. My session finished up with the balance board ~ man was that fun! Having vertigo was one of my chief complaints prior to surgery and I thought I might never feel balanced again. I have been working on the balance activities on the Wii Fit and I have already seen some improvement.

Baby steps ~ one day at a time ~ slowly I will get my full strength back again. For a year before brain surgery I was growing my hair out so that I would have an adequate comb-over and today I had my hair cut. My hair stylist was so gentle and made extra care not to rake the comb over my zipper scar. She cut off about 2 inches and evened everything up a bit. We decided to wait until the spring before jumping into a new style. She commented that I had so many hospital chemicals all throughout my hair still ~ it will take several more weeks for the morphine and anesthesia to make it's way out of my system.

There's a nor'easter headed our way tonight ~ snow and ice expected overnight and throughout the day tomorrow. Planning on chilling on the couch and relaxing all day long ~ hey ~ maybe I will even dive into studying again for my SQL exam ~

What's Your Status?

So how long can I use the 'brain surgery' excuse for not blogging nearly enough? I am way overdue for a status update, right? Well, for starters, the Wii has officially kidnapped my children. They love the Wii Fit games and spend pretty much all waking hours learning new skills. We have all had fun playing the games, although, as you can imagine, I am banned from playing most of them for a great fear of disturbing the healing zipperhead!

Physically, I feel like my strength is returning with the passing of each day. Any pain in my head/neck can be taken care of with some Advil and/or a muscle relaxant if I am having a really tough day. But seriously, I just had brain surgery, shouldn't I be in excruciating pain? Nope ~ can't explain it other than prayers have been answered and I have a wicked high tolerance to pain ~ what a blessing! I am hoping to start driving this week, even if it's a trip around the block. I know that mentally I am coming around because I have started compiling lists of things I want and need to do already.

Many people have asked me if I can tell if my symptoms from Chiari are gone now and my answers are still a little on the vague side. It's hard to tell, but I can say that the vertigo seems to be gone and the crushing Chiari headaches. My short term memory seems to be returning, too. I think I am still existing in the decompression honeymoon phase. How do you go back to 'normal' after brain surgery? What is normal anyway? My main goal going into brain surgery was to survive ~ keep breathing ~ choose life. So, since I seem to have accomplished the basics, now what?

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me

I have found it particularly difficult to get into the Christmas spirit this year. All things considered, it's only been three weeks today since I became a zipperhead! This morning when I arose, it dawned on me ~ what is the real spirit of Christmas? The answer is painfully clear ~ the birth of the Lord's only Son ~ JESUS. Personally, I know if it were not for my faith and belief in Jesus I probably wouldn't be sitting here blogging today. Faith and prayers continue to heal me from the inside ~ out. Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas. May you have a renewing of strength and hope this Christmas season.

Psalm 139 New International Version (NIV)

1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

By Your Side ~ Tenth Avenue North

The Christmas season is filled with every emotion imaginable. For some, it is a time of sheer joy and happiness ~ for others time of deep sorrow and despair. The song I posted above is a gentle reminder of the true meaning of Christmas. God sent His only beloved son to earth to die and rise from the grave so that we can live with Him in heaven some day.

If you are feeling a bit down and depressed during the holiday season, I pray that you find renewed hope in life. Know that you are never alone. Take a moment to listen to the song I posted above ~

Season of Healing

A friend of mine sent me a really neat e-mail message the other day that really resonated with me.  I have pasted it below. What really got me thinking was the metamorphosis of my zipperhead. If you've been reading my blog, you have seen the picture posted of my newly shorn head. It's been 16 days since my surgery and I have healed so well, my hair is growing back quickly.  I guess what I am trying to say is we all see things differently. 

An innocent web surfer who would stumble upon my picture might gasp in horror at the sight of my zipperhead. But to me, friends and family, who have walked along side me during my chiari journey might view my zipperhead differently.  To me, it's definitely a victory badge ~ a sign of the end of one journey and the beginning of a new, healthier one. A wise friend of mine referred to my scar as 'a line of strength and determination' ~ I really like the sound of that! 

There was an Indian Chief who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.

The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise. 

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen. 

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfilment.

The Chief then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. 

He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, & that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up. 

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfilment of your fall. 

Moral: 

Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. 

Don't judge life by one difficult season. 

Live Simply. 

Love Generously. 

Care Deeply. 

Speak Kindly. 

Leave the Rest to God. 

Happiness keeps You Sweet, Trials keep You Strong, Sorrows keep You Human, Failures keep You Humble, Success keeps You Glowing, But Only God keeps You Going!

Blessing In Diguise

OK, finally I was able to get upload images from my 3D CT scan of my head. How surreal is this to get this up close and personal?!!! My intention in publishing this beautiful pic of my head wasn't to freak any of you out, but from a medical miracle perspective.

The C1 vertebrae is the tiny one at the base of my skull. My surgery pretty much did away with that vertebrae, leaving the C2 to hold my head up on my shoulders. Remember how I mentioned that my C2 was freaky big? Well look at it ~ it's bigger than bot the C3 and C4 put together! Talk about a blessing in disguise. Clearly this is a birth defect that I had never known about or seen until now. In looking at the big picture, the fact that my C2 is mis-shapened and clearly overdeveloped, I have a good chance of avoiding the fusion surgery later.

When Doubt Creeps In

Last night was the first night since my surgery that I can say that I got a good night of rest. When I awoke this morning, for a second, I totally forgot that I had even had surgery.

Shortly after awaking, I stumbled down stairs to make a strong pot of coffee. As I was filling up the pot with water a speck of red caught the corner of my eye. I peered out the kitchen window and saw the most brilliant cardinal perched on a frozen tree in our neighbors back yard. In an instant, I felt the hand of God on my left shoulder and the words, "It's going to be all right!". Then the words of Amy Grant's song, All Right. started playing in my head:
It's going to be all right, you give me what I need ~ That it's all right what may come. What strengthens hope my eyes will never see.
Just this morning as I was washing the misty visions of sleep away, the doubt was seeping in. Making me second guess my decision to have brain surgery. Why in the world would I put myself all of this pain and rehab? Couldn't I have lived with my symptoms forever, learn how to deal with it? And then, the vision of the cardinal ~ bold, scarlet, standing out in sharp contrast against the icy background, clear and inescapable. If you have been following my blog for a while I have mentioned the symbolism of the cardinal many times. Whenever I see them they send me powerful messages right on the spot.

ALL RIGHT ~ Amy Grant

Looking out to the hills

To the setting sun

I feel a cold wind

Bound to come

Another change

Another end I cannot see

But your faithfulness to me is making it

[Chorus:]

All right

I fall down on my knees

Tell me that it's all right

You give me what I need

Years of knocking on heaven's door

Have taught me this if nothing more

That it's all right, what may come

I've heard it said

When the river's running high

You get to higher ground or you die

Well muddy waves of pain

Washed over me

And it only made me see it's gonna be

[Chorus]

When will I learn there're no guarantees

What strengthens hope, my eyes have never seen

But it won't be long

Till the faith will be sight

And the heavens will say

It's all right

[Chorus]

All Right - Amy Grant

Then, There Was Before Me An Open Door

Hi, my name is Lacie and I am no longer an addict. It's day two of no morphine and even though I still have a wee bit of the shakes my head feels so much more clear. I have been taking Advil for the pain as needed and it seems to be working. It's only been 9 days since my brain lift and I am already bored to tears ~ seriously!

We had a wicked ice storm last night and I was awoken from sleep every hour with the crashing sound of falling limbs. Thank goodness we didn't lose our power. The sleet has changed over to snow this morning and I have to say it's beginning to work on my non-existent Christmas spirit already. I apologize in advance for a scattered blog, but the brain isn't firing on all cylinders just yet. So, apparently I blogged at least once while I was in the hospital. I remember writing, but have no idea what I said. The funny thing was the pulse-ox meter that was on my finger was beeping like crazy the whole time I was tying, because I was supposed to be still. I am still trying to unwind all the thoughts in my brain about all the experiences I went through over the past 2 weeks.

One feeling that was predominant through everything was a sense of peace and calm ~ completely. Prayers were definitely heard and answered. I knew I was being cared by the best of the best chiari docs and had no fear. Even on the worst days I knew that if I just kept breathing I would certainly get through it all. ~sigh ~ So, I can't officially wash my hair until 2 weeks post-op ~ next Wednesday, 12/17 ~ last night John and Mom managed to throw some plastic bags over my incision and were able to wash what hair i have left. The pony tail hair doo is beginning to get very fashionable around here. OK ~ need to lay down for a while ~ more later ~ thanks so much for all the comments and messages. Who knew I had such a big fan club. Love you all ~ send me some ideas to quench this boredom, please ~

Checking Out and Heading Home

Sorry for the lack of updates. The last day and a half has been very busy and without wireless access.

Monday morning we were hoping to get discharged from the hospital so Lacie could make her PT appointment on Long Island at 11 a.m., but things did not go quite as expected. Lace woke up feeling dizzy and sluggish and we weren’t sure at first if she was even going to get discharged. Dr. Stasi came by around 9:30 and looked her over. His thoughts were that this was a case of perhaps overdoing it a bit the day before combined with her also going off her steroid medication the day before. We hoped he was right. The hospital PT specialist also met with her and was very pleased with Lacie’s progress.

So, after a few delays, we were discharged a few minutes before 11 and we hustled over to the PT appointment. This took longer than expected as the directions were terrible and a 15-minute drive took almost an hour. By the time we arrived, Lacie was feeling quite nauseous from the drive and needed a rest. The doctor was quite gracious, helping her to lie down in a private room and talked to us about the therapy procedures while she rested. He took her blood pressure and it had dropped to around 60 so she needed some serious time to rest and get her blood pressure up while we waited.

We returned to Variety House for the afternoon and evening and she took a nap and slowly improved enough to eat a little dinner and watch a movie before an early bedtime.

Today she is doing much better. We are departing the Variety House around noon to return to Albany today. Please pray for a safe trip and for Lacie to feel well while we are travelling.