Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Completely UnRemarkable

Current Scan 2012
Original scan 9/26/2006

According to the Dictionary, here's the definition for UnRemarkable: not worthy of note or attention;
Lacking distinction; ordinary. 

I was hopeful, hoping the MRI would reveal something ~ anything ~ a new revelation that would explain away the pain in my head. Most people would pray for a clean bill of health with nothing to write home about. But I'm not a part of that 'most people' crowd anymore. Brain surgery kinda stole that from me.

I was driving to my neuro surgeon this morning, looking forward to seeing the very first surgeon I met after been diagnosed with Chiari in 2006. A book on tape was playing in the car and I was thinking about my answer to a question asked: 

"When everything is stripped away from you, what gives you the strength to keep on going?"

 If you had asked me this question 6 years ago I wouldn't have hesitated before answering, my faith in God, of course. He loves us, cares for us.... but today, I'm not so sure.  One thing did come come to mind though ~ I can't just submit to the pain in my body ~ I've got Chiari friends both far and near who need me, who depend on me for friendship and guidance. As if an unspoken prayer for validation was asked, as soon as I checked in at the doctors office, I sat down and logged onto my email to pass the time as I waited for them to call my name. There at the top of the new emails in my inbox was an email from a very dear Chiari friend. We had exchanged a couple of heart to heart emails over the past week and she was concerned about me. Lil ole me ~ out of all the others out there who clamor for her attention. I immediately burst into tears. She gets me ~ we are in the same medical predicament ~ surgical candidates and yet not wanting to go back to surgery just yet.

What was I doing? Yes, I was following doctors orders by getting another baseline MRI, but who was I kidding? I'm a TCI patient ~ they are without a doubt the best of the best in the world and are celebrated Chiari gurus. How could I possibly expect anyone else to understand my complicated condition? So long story longer, I was greeted by the PA of the office and not the surgeon I was looking forward to seeing again. Nothing was found on my MRI that signaled a need for surgery. He recommended I see a pain management doc and a neurologist to help me figure out what steps to take to get an handle on my pain.

I feel like a college grad who was sent back to Kindergarten again ~

1 comment:

Cindy said...

I am sorry to hear that this happened! Yes, when you deal with doctors, even though they may be specialists, they are not specialized in this field and often know next to nothing about it! So sorry for your frustration--I have can empathize with you having gone down that road too many times.