Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Dark Stranger

Theme - Mark Snow

Pain is Weakness Leaving Your Body - Nietzsche

PAIN has swallowed me like the whale that swallowed Jonah . This summer we have been pounded by low pressure fronts and pop up thunderstorms which add to the whole vertigo~pain in the neck/head factor. There have been no 'good days' for a while now. Thank goodness my surgery is on the horizon, although December feels so far away, I am hoping it will get here quickly. So if pain is weakness leaving the body then I should be feeling a whole lot stronger any time now, right?

There isn't a soul on the planet who isn't feeling some type of pain ~ emotional, physical or spiritual. We all deal with pain differently, but the question is, do we let it define us? For me, I still haven't figured out if learning, from a very young age, to grin and bear it was such a good thing. I think there has to be some kind of healthy balance of putting up with the pain and letting it consume you. For me, feeling pain reminds me that I am alive, my heart is still beating. This doesn't mean that I enjoy it, but a gentle reminder that I am human.

I watch X-Files reruns almost on a daily basis, shocker, I know! One episode from Season Four really stayed with me ~ I copied some quotes from the episode below:

Scully: In med school I learned that cancer arrives in the body unannounced. A dark stranger that takes up residence. Turning its new home against itself, this is the evil of cancer, that it starts as an invader but soon becomes one with the invaded, Forcing you to destroy it, but only at the risk of destroying yourself. It is sciences demon possession and my treatment sciences attempt at exorcism. Mulder I hope that in these terms you might know it and know me. And except this stranger so many recognise but so many cannot completely cast out and if the darkness should have swallowed me as you read this. You must never think there was the possibility of some secret intervention, something you might have done and though we have travelled far together this last distance must necessarily be travelled alone.

Scully: (Writing in her journal) I have not written to you in the past twenty four hours because the treatment has weakened my body. Mulder it’s difficult to explain to you the fear of facing an enemy which I can neither conquer nor escape.

In away, I identify with Scully's 'Dark Stranger'. Certainly an over zealous brain tail and cancer are not even in the same galaxy, but nevertheless, my brain tail is a part of me. In an attempt to make room for brain tail my body will feel great pain. With Chiari ~ there is no conquering or escape ~ not yet. I had a dream the other night that I shot a syringe of salt into my brain tail and just like that, it shriveled right up like a snail. Problem solved ~ I wish the cure for chiari were that simple.


RiverPoet said...

You know, Lace, I would say that the pain we have is unique and in its own category. Sure, it's not cancer, but cancer is not the only illness that robs a person of life and livelihood. There are so many other conditions that invite us to rise to the challenge. (Don't get my sister started on that one).

I am going to see Dr. Weingart next week to see if he thinks my Chiari is bad enough for surgery yet. When I'm having a rash of good days, as I am now during the high-pressure system and mild days we're enjoying, I feel as though nothing is wrong. But when I have those days like I did a week or so ago when I can't even get out of bed? Oh yeah, then I am praying for deliverance.

Hang in there. I won't tell you the surgery will fix everything. Some say it fixes a lot, though. Others continue to have some issues. I hope you are one of the former.

Peace - D

lzwitty said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your increased pain. I know all of my symptoms got worse after the TC surgery--blame it on the extra wobbliness, I guess. Know that while I've been up to my eyeballs in school work, I haven't forgotten you in my prayers.


Lisa said...

Lace - I'm praying that this awful weather pattern breaks soon and that your pain subsides. It sure has been a "bummer of a Summer" so far! Hopefully Fall will be better for all of us.