Sunday, September 25, 2011


What would life be like without your presence in the lives of others? The fourth season of FRINGE is centered around a world without Peter Bishop ~ I get it, this is part of the bigger story ~ but that doesn't mean I like it one little bit!

Actually, I've thought a lot about this theme ever since I was diagnosed with Chiari ~ what would life be like without me on this earth anymore? The concept is a hard one to embrace too closely without letting it consume me whole. I have a questions for other Chiarians and other assorted brain surgery survivors.

How did you cope with the overwhelming feeling that you just might not make it back from brain surgery?

 I used to think that I was really good at coping, pushing through very difficult times, but now I'm not so sure. The physical scars, although healed up nicely, will always remain on my skin as constant reminders of the battles I have survived. Now, almost three years post brain surgery, the emotional scars are bubbling up to the surface. Sure, I survived, I'm living, breathing, carrying on at the thing we called life...but at what cost?

I'm not the same person today that I was prior to my Chiari diagnosis. On that profound day,
September 26, 2006, I think I built an instant fortress around myself ~ guarding my emotions, protecting my heart.  I think a big part of me wants to walk away from everything prior to surgery and start a new.

The surgeons prepared me for the physical pain I would endure, the long recovery road, but they didn't prepare me for a total fall out of who I am and who I am becoming. This is probably totally gibberish to most readers out there, but I have a feeling a bunch of you know exactly what I am talking about.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hello Lace,

As for Fringe, I know! It is so annoying! I want to know why Walter would have gone to the other side if not for trying to save the other Peter... I love Fringe and find this season very frustrating! *smile*

As for coping with that feeling: it was hard. I sat down and wrote letters to my three children and my husband. My surgery was back in May of 2008. I still have the letters, still where I placed them a few days prior to my surgery: in our fireproof safe. I keep them to remind me that everyday is a gift. I think the hardest part was the morning of the surgery. We drove to Indianapolis very early. My husband and I, actually my whole family, love the musical "Wicked". Have you heard it? If not, search for the song "For Good". It is a goodbye song between Elphaba, the wicked witch, and Glinda. My husband and I sang along and were both in tears by the end of the song. We held hands and cried.
I still deal with headaches everyday. My husband is wonderful! He takes on so much of everything. I guess I feel like I didn't make it fully back. *sigh* But, I just take it a day at a time and enjoy what I can. I love my husband and my children. I have a wonderful and loving family. *big hug* Sometimes, when the headaches are the worst, that's when you hold what is best in your mind and focus on it. It helps me. I hope it helps you too.