It’s Just the Dark Before the Morning

Two years ago today I had my decompression surgery for my Chiari Malformation. What a defining moment in my life! I still remember that moment when I drifted out of the anesthesia stupor ~ realizing that I had survived brain surgery. Of course I did ~ my surgeons are the best in the world and I had an army of people praying for me. Surviving was easy ~ getting on with living was going to be much harder. Or as Andy said in the Shawshank Redemption ~

Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'.

Living with an incurable disease just plain bites! People assume, you get this big bad horrifying brain surgery, then you are cured. Unfortunately, not the truth at all when it comes to Chiari. I have been waiting two long years to get a bone density test to prove that I am finally building bone density up again. You see, I narrowly escaped having the fusion surgery done at the time of my decompression. Since my bones weren't strong enough at the time, my surgeons thought it would be best to wait.

So, last week, I got the results of my test and my bones have been strengthening again ~ hooray and 'SHARK FARTS!!!' at the same time. My endocrinologist suggested I go ahead and make an appointment with my neurosurgeon ~ he wants me to go ahead and get the fusion while my bones are strengthening. Why was this decision such a no brainer when I was 'in the zone'? The further I get from the OR ~ the less I want to go back there. Really pisses me off ~ I don't want to be the one who has to make the decision ~ but I am the only one who can. Who has the time and the resources to schedule brain surgery, time off of work and time to heal?? And I am still not wholly convinced that fusion surgery will alleviate my symptoms. Why can't I just be satisfied with living with my brain tail? Because I am a fighter and will not turn and run away ~ a show-down is inevitable ~ some day soon. ~ SIGH ~

In the meantime, while I stew in deep thought and contemplation ~ searching for an answer lit like a Hollywood billboard ~ if you know me and know that I having a bad Chiari day ~ please don't avoid me ~ make me laugh ~ it's the best medicine for the soul. Pressing on ~

Before The Morning ~ Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning