So ~ I was driving to work this morning and I was struck by a tsunami size wave of emotion. This happens to me a lot on my drives to and from work. It takes about 30 min each way. Since I have some time to slow down and clear my head, emotions bubble up to the surface. Almost out loud I exclaimed, "Why in the world are you thinking about having brain surgery! All of your symptoms are all in your head ~ you are making all of this up!!!" I think that maybe my sub conscience is still trying to come to grips with reality ~ thus the struggle inside my head.

Something I have learned through many trials and tribulations is that when I have let God into the drivers seat, things just fall into place. So after I wiped my tear stained cheeks and walked into my office, my cell phone rang ~ it was the Chiari Institute. They had a cancellation and want me to come in next Tuesday, May 8th instead of May 21st. You have to understand how hard it is to get an appointment to appreciate the importance of getting bumped up to the top of the list (twice now)! Most people have to wait 2-3 months to get an appointment. After a couple of phone calls to secure care for the girls, I accepted the appointment.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now ~ I am sensing that something/someone bigger than me knows the urgency of my situation and is taking care of me. It's that same feeling I felt when I was happily cheering away at a basketball game in junior high. I had recently changed doctors and a full blood workup had been done. The next day, Mom shows up and calmly tells me that I have a life threatening condition and that I could have a heart attack at any moment and die. From there I was quickly admitted into the hospital. So ~ yeah ~ I am feeling a little on edge.

Things are definitely in motion. I am in good hands and I will have more answers soon. Go with the flow ~ I am being led.

William Emmett Dawson ~ May 2, 2007

Never Alone

I heard this song on the radio and it gently reminded me that no matter how alone I might feel at times, I am never alone.

Never Alone by Jim Brickman
(Feat. Lady Antebellum & Hillary Scott)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNK4Alwbsw

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
As every year passes
They mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Chorus:
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Well I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I’m not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Chorus

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Chorus

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Welcome to the Planet

Last night, around 7:30pm, I had just gotten off the phone with my Mom. She was giving me the latest update on my sister's labor progress or lack thereof. Things were progressing at a snails pace ~ I was really torn ~ wanting to be there with her, but knowing there was nothing I could do to make the journey to motherhood easier.

All of my life, nature has spoken to me when I needed a sign that God was totally in charge of the situation. I turned my gaze upon the back yard and low and behold, I found myself staring back at a beautiful male cardinal. He sang his song and looked right back at me. I knew in that moment that everything was going to be ok. Then, a song came on the radio ~ with these lyrics:

Welcome to the planet

Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

How appropriate and true these words were! This morning I became an aunt and very soon I will meet my nephew!

Too Open Minded???

I saw this sign and for obvious reasons, it caught my eye. Perhaps I am too open minded!

The latest update on the ole brain tail is that my second round of brain MRI's that I had done last week indicate that my brain hasn't herniated further. This news is a little unnerving, because although I don't appear to have a larger herniation, my symptoms have gotten worse over the past several months. In the Chiari world, it has been told that 'size does not matter' and I am beginning to understand that. Everyone is effected differently by Chiari ~ it's just a weird experience for me to have read all the possible symptoms that might effect me and to slowly recognize new symptoms lately to add to my list.

In case any of you watch Grey's Anatomy, they had a patient last week on the show that had a Chiari Malformation ~ although they didn't call it Chiari ~ that's definately what the patient had.

I do have some good news to share, this time tomorrow, I will be an aunt!

Peepers

There is something very primal in my soul soul that is awakened with the sounds and smells of springtime. The air is filled with the scent of baby leaves growing on trees, tulips emerging out of the ground ~ everything is coming awake after a long winter slumber. Last night I heard the beautiful call of the peeper frogs singing in one strong voice. They are only between 2-3.7 cm in length, yet when they sing in chorus their song can be heard for miles. The new life cycle has begun, tadpoles have become frogs almost overnight ~ this gives me a renewed sense of hope to have new life 'peeping' all around me.

Love This Emerson Quote

Steps Along The Way

The latest news is that I had an appointment with yet another neuro-surgeon today for my insurance company motivated "second opinion". Is it just me or is it bizarre that I now have 2 neuro-surgeons? After my examination, he was profoundly surprised that I needed a second opinion to confirm that I have a sliding brain and I need to go to the experts.

I try to walk around in this body that God have given me and do the best with what he has given me. I cope ~ I adjust ~ I persevere ~ I push through hardships ~ it's what I do, AND I have gotten very good at all these things. However, the problem with these finely honed skills is that sometimes I can't see the trees for the forest.

During my examination at my second neuro-surgeon, he did a battery of balance and strength tests. I could tell, and so could John, that I have definitely declined over the past couple of months. I could barely walk toe to heal in a straight line.

So ~ next steps ~ the surgeon said that he would gladly write a letter recommending that I have my surgery done at the Chiari Institue. But wait, there's more, he also thought it would be a super idea to have another MRI of my brain and neck to see how much my adorable brain tail has grown since September 2006.

I am feeling a wave of relief that this is not just in my head, that I really have something going on inside that needs expert medical attention. At the same time I am letting the fear seep in at a trickle so that I can digest it and turn it into strength. My mind is already made up. Brain surgery is daunting. I can do this. One step at a time. Deep breaths.

Seriously!

SERIOUSLY! I am a big fan of Grey's Anatomy, they use the term, 'SERIOUSLY', way too much ~ but SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY! My McBrain is falling out of my McHead in a big, bad, ouch that hurts, hit by a 2x4, spinning out of control, can't walk in a straight line kind of way. The big bad insurance company told me today that before they approve my referral to go to the Chiari Institute to see the expert Chiari Brain Surgeons, they want me to get a second opinion. Are you kidding me???

Anyone seen Groundhog Day? I am beginning to feel like I am stuck in the same day over and over. How can I possibly explain myself and convince another doctor that I have a serious brain tail that has taken over residence in a place where there is no room for him. Hopefully I won't have to face another blank stare of disbelief that my brain tail is causing all my symptoms! SERIOUSLY!

Waiting With Great Anticipation

Soon, very soon, I will be able to claim the long awaited title of 'Aunt'. My little sister is almost a Mom. It seems like a decade ago since this picture was taken. My youngest and her older sister can hardly stand the suspense of waiting to find out what their baby cousin will look like.

Surprises are not that commonplace anymore, but choosing not to find out if you are having a boy or a girl and then waiting 9 (really 10) months for the answer is tough! I am tired of waiting ~ I want to know if I am going to have a niece or a nephew. We will all know the answer in a couple of short weeks. But then again, I wonder why I doubt myself and my intuitions on the matter.

One July (2006) morning, I was standing at the sink, doing dishes, and looking out the window. Suddenly, a vision flashed before my eyes, I saw myself standing at the same sink, but with a baby in my arms wrapped in a pink blanket. At the time, I dismissed the vision as 'random', but after I learned that my sister was pregnant and due in April, well ~ you do the math.