Does FEAR Wake You Up?

FEAR seems to be a word that continues to reverberate in mind. Although I haven't shared much here lately about the complete change and upheaval that I'm going through in my life right now ~ believe me when I say that I come face to face with FEAR several times a day. But the funny thing is, FEAR is no longer FEARED ~ if that makes any sense to you.

Instead of a menacing, skulky foe ~ FEAR has become a beacon to me ~ signaling me to WAKE UP ~ this is yet another opportunity to become stronger ~ to become more REAL ~ to change a behavior that no longer fits in my life. FEAR is a wise teacher if you can take a deep breath and let it wash over you. This is NO easy task.

I saw DIVERGENT this weekend ~ I read the book at least a year ago so all the details of the story weren't fresh in my mind. Again and again throughout the film I got the chills from my head all the way down to my toes. Memories were stirred from many years ago ~ over and over again like a long lost friend. Brave, primal, dauntless, memories. I sooo identify with the character Tris.

"Who's going to jump first?" ~ "I will!"

Growing up in TEXAS, I had many opportunities to face FEAR and test my BRAVERY. I went rappelling, zinged down zip lines, when cliff jumping ~ At the time I'm not sure if I did it because I was chasing that adrenaline high or if I was eager to squash FEAR before it could manipulate me. Nevertheless, FEAR in one form or another has shaped and molded me into the woman I am today and I will be forever grateful for my menacing companion.

My question for you, dear reader, how will FEAR define you? Will you cross over the line from letting FEAR control you to seeing FEAR as an ally? Let the fear in for FIVE seconds and see what happens...

Approaching Storm

Elfin language:

Pres'tinin-The world is changing.

Hauranen bithnin-I feel it in the water.

Hunuthra meyahi-I feel it in the earth.

Ahustinin benilingi-I smell it in the air.

Storms in life seem to roll in and out like the tide. There's no stopping the endless thundering motion. Friday,
I found myself in a haze of deja vu as I sat patiently, waiting to hear my name called by a neuro-surgeon.

I've been putting off making an appointment ~ for about a year now ~ until my intrepid endocrinologist made an appointment for me.  I'm not a whiner or complainer, it's my first nature to grin and bear it ~ so that's what I've been doing for a while now. My doctor thought it would be a good idea for a local surgeon to get a baseline on me and keep an eye on me and my symptoms. Fair enough ~ but I wasn't really wanting to open Pandora's box, again.  

When the nurse walked in to gather my medical history I braced myself for a barrage of questions. I had to be thorough and brief at the same time or the appointment would have lasted several hours. I've got medical history and lots of it.! When she started questioning me about my surgery for Chiari I almost laughed at her when she innocently said, "your Chiari Malformation was removed during your surgery?" Seriously? It's not a tumor you can simply remove and go on with your life. I really wish the staff at neurosurgery offices would be a bit more educated on the afflictions of the patients.

I digress ~ after a battery of basic neuro tests, it was deemed that there wasn't anything noticeable wrong with me. Duh ~ a two hour MRI with and without contrast has been scheduled for a few weeks down the road. It will be good to check in and see what my Braintail has been up to. I'm not sure what to hope for. A part of me wants them to find a tumor that's been responsible for turning my life upside down. Another part of me wants them to find evidence of syringomyelia. My biggest fear is that the MRI will reveal nothing out of the ordinary. At this point I am needing something concrete ~ something to focus my anger on for causing pain again and again.

The irony of my invisible disease ~

I Can Only Imagine

Blogging has been a way for me to express what I cannot vocalize and I am trying to get back in the swing of things by blogging more. As my one year post decompression date is beginning to appear just over the horizon I seem to be doing a lot of reflecting. There were a lot of blogs that I started and they ended up in my draft box. This one I actually started on 10/12/07 ~ I thought today would be a good day finally post it.

Facing fear ~ staring it in the face ~ thoughts of death and dying have come up for me, for obvious reasons. But you see, to die would be devastating for my family and friends, but for me, I can only imagine.

When I wrote my thoughts about staring death in the face, I hadn't even been detethered yet ~ but I was processing the imminent fear that comes when facing brain surgery. I look back and smile knowing that putting it all out there, expressing my fear, laying it all down for the Lord to take it from me ~ my fear was totally dissolved by the time I had surgery.



WE all face fear on a daily basis ~ rather it's a fear of spiders or death ~ we all deal with it in different ways. For me, fixing my eyes on eternity put everything in perspective and it's a good reminder for me today. I woke up with a brain tail headache ~ it's the 13th and a Friday today ~ not that I am superstitious, but I am not firing on all cylinders today. Note to self ~ no operating heavy machinery today!

The Words I Would Say

What would I say? Be strong in the Lord ~ Never give up faith ~ You are going to do great things ~ God's got his hand on you so don't live your life in fear ~ Come find peace in the Father

My heart feels the pain and the weight of the world. This blog had brought me so many brain tail friends, all in different parts of their Chiari journey. It's so easy to be completely consumed by pain and fear ~ I wanted to share this song with you ~ in hopes that it gives you hope where you haven't found any.

Disbelief

I am finding myself shaking my head from time to time during the day ~ where am I? Did I really just have spinal detethering surgery a little over a week ago? Did the Giants really win the Super Bowl? Maybe it's the effect of Morphine and muscle relaxants that are warping my mind.

The first couple of days after surgery were really tough ~ but sage advice from fellow Chiarians who have been detethering ~ the more you move the better you will feel ~ proved to be absolutely true. I am really looking forward to getting my stitches removed tomorrow morning ~ I am giddy with the idea of taking a shower on Wednesday, February 13th ~ maybe that will help me feel more human and grounded.

I may be pushing my luck ~ and I am known to do that from time to time ~ but today is my first day without morphine. I am hoping I can substitute Tylenol or Advil and get the same relative pain relief.

I feel like I am in this weird time warp vortex right now. I still have brain decompression surgery for March 7th on the calendar. I am supposed to be in Long Island a couple of days before surgery for MRI's, doc appointments and invasive cervical traction ~ sounds like an awesome vacation ~ right?!? But, wait, Dr. M told me to wait three or four months and let's see what happens. What do I do with that information? Can I have that in writing!! I fear that I will be forced to go ahead with the next surgery even though I might not need it.

My plan is to wait another week and then call TCI and see what my next step should be. So far, I haven't had one Chiari symptom since my surgery ~ I believe in miracles ~ If my brain tail decides to crawl back up into it's cranial compartment this could be the biggest miracle of my lifetime!

Epic Battles

It was bound to happen ~ the growing turmoil in my mind and body has given way to epic battles. (LOTR nerdling flag waving high!) Think Balrogs, trolls, fell beasts and Uruk-hai with no sight of Ents, Elves or Wizards to come to the rescue. Lots of warfare ~ internally ~ emotionally and physically ~ the time gap between now and surgery dates is getting smaller each second.

Before the appeal was overturned the enemy was the insurance company ~ something outside of myself ~ and now I am finding turmoil within myself. On a daily basis I am fighting back fear, doubt and more fear. I know that fear does not come from God:

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Timothy 1: 7

It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit--depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm]. Deuteronomy 31: 8

I have been surprised by all of the spiritual warfare going on in my mind ~ casting doubt on the TRUTHS of the Bible ~ trying to take my focus away from the Lord. I am gently reminded to dig into the Word of God ~ put on the 'full armor of the Lord'. Although I do not understand why I must take this path of hardship ~ I know that all things work together for good for those who know and love God.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Absence of Fear

Life is always throwing me something totally unexpected. On Thursday we had a snow storm blow in around 11am. Needless to say I was not looking forward to the long drive home. It usually takes me about 25 minutes to drive to work so I knew it would take me at least an hour to get home.

My first real experience with driving in winter weather was my senior year in college in West Texas. The weather there can change rapidly from sunny and warm to cold and icy. I got into an accident on black ice one night as I came upon a couple of cars that had already crashed. My options were limited ~ I could put on my breaks and hope to God I didn't hit the car that was rapidly getting closer or I could swerve and head into oncoming traffic. The wreck wasn't all that bad, I barely tapped the bumper of the car in front of me, but the out of control, sliding on black ice feeling has always stayed with me.

That being said, when the roads are slippery and if I slide just a little bit I am instantly covered with an overwhelming blanket of fear. So, getting back to my point, I was completely taken by surprise as I took note of how I was feeling while driving home in snow covered streets last night. I was completely calm, relaxed, just another drive home ~ slow ~ but not a big deal. This really took me by surprise and then I realized that fear is relative. Compared to brain surgery, I drive in the snow and ice is not such a foreboding task anymore.