What if

From my heart to yours ~ what if our trials are blessings in disguise ~

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home,

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

Always Looking Up

Last week I DVR'd an Oprah episode when Michael J Fox was the guest. Today I finally got around to watching it and wasn't prepared for the profound effect the show had on me. It's been a rough couple of days. The sky has been dense with grey clouds and the rain and some snow flakes have been falling. As a chiarian these weather conditions can cause those lovely barometric pressure headaches from hell, not to mention the feeling that an elephant has camped out on my chest making it difficult to breathe. On top of it all I have been hunkered down in my study bunker trying to cram for my SQL 2005 test that I took yesterday. I passed the multiple choice ~ 35 question section that I have been studying for, but I totally failed the application part of the test that I had no idea existed! Needless to say I was feeling defeated and disappointed yesterday. All that studying and I have to take the whole thing all over again ~ sigh
Anyway, while I was sulking around last night I was thinking about the aftermath of my brain surgery. I do survival mode really well ~ I know my path and I slog through it. But what now? After brain surgery there isn't anything anything harder in life ~ right? Wrong ~ I am learning that my perspective on things have totally changed post surgery. I can't even begin to explain it yet ~ maybe it's a feeling I have deep down in my heart ~ like I need to be doing something profound ~ making a difference. But honestly, I just don't have the energy yet ~ I am getting there, but slower than I would like. That brings me to the point I was trying to make all along.

I have always been a big Michael J Fox fan ~ ever since Family Ties. How could you not love the guy?! Remember Back to the Future (the flux capacitor is fluxxing) and Secret of My Success? Classic movies of the 80's. Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease about 18 years ago. I have kept up with his condition and I am amazed at how he has continued to live his life despite all of the odds stacked against him. Oprah's interview with Fox was inspiring to say the least.

When my Chiari symptoms were at their worst I thought I just couldn't continue to live with the constant tilt-a-whirl effect of vertigo and the crushing headaches. Then I hear Michael talk about feeling like he's got a four year old constantly tugging on him ~ pulling his body in every direction. I can't even to begin to imagine how difficult his struggle must be ~ but he does it and is making a difference in this world by raising awareness and helping to find a cure.

I saw a quick one minute promo for the special and was intrigued by the fact that Michael's symptoms were lessened when he was in the high altitude of the Himalayas. Sounds like my intuition about going to Everest just might be more than a passionate desire! Again, I am inspired by Fox's great positive attitude, proof that even when you can't change your circumstance, you can choose to be positive. Adventures of an Incurable Optimist is on May 7th, 10pm on ABC. ~ put it on your calendar and watch with hopes that you just might find a glimmer of hope and renewed faith. too. Thanks to Michael for awakening my blogging muse who has been slumbering for way too long!

Turn On Your Heart Light

I had my pre-surgical echocardiogram echocardiogram today to make sure that my heart can withstand the stress of two surgeries back to back. Today was not the best day for my heart to show up for an exam. Periodically I will have a day where it's hard to breathe ~ imagine breathing out of a straw. I will have chest pains, short, shallow breaths ~ these are the side effects from brain stem compression. I can't predict when I will have these symptoms, they just show up randomly.

So imagine my delight when I started experiencing these symptoms today ~ knowing that my heart was going to be scrutinized. The ultra sound tech could tell that I was struggling to breathe ~ I just hope that the echocardiogram is a 'pass-fail' test. Turn on your heart light ~

HUGS

I saw this a while ago, Hug Someone Campaign. I was deeply moved by the effect it had on me ~ mostly because I am not a super huggy person by nature. From a very tender age, I've had personal space and intimacy issues. In the brain of a two year old, I learned very early on that when you hug on your big brother then they get killed by a horse. What kind of sense does that make now? It's completely ludicrous, I know, but survival skills are tough ~ they get emblazoned in our minds ~ our autopilot accepts them and they are very hard to purge!

So ~ after many hours of therapy, long talks with God and oceans of tears, I finally came to grips with the truth that hugging someone you love won't cause them to drop dead. TRUE STORY. OK ~ so I've given myself a reality check, but that still didn't make me instantly affectionate with others ~ it's a slow process. I've thought about this a lot lately mostly, because when I am in pain and struggling I push people away and pull back ~ I see the autopilot kicking in again. Survival ~ distance ~ set apart ~ detach ~ Most the time I feel that if I do let anyone in, allow them to comfort me or offer support, I just might melt into a puddle of tears.

OK ~ so why I can't I let myself fall apart from time to time??? I already feel like I have no control over myself anyway ~ the brain tail has totally taken over and I am grappling with trying to maintain some kind of control. I can hear you now, screaming at the computer

"you are a freaking delusional lunatic!!!"

I know I am ~ and I'm working on it already ~ My point is, we all need hugs for survival, SURVIVAL ~ So ~ here's my challenge 2 u ~ hug someone today ~ anyone ~ and I will do the same, because you know, we are ALL struggling in some area of our lives ~ either physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Make sure to watch this video below ~ it's awesome!

Tree Roots

A tree with strong roots can withstand the most violent storm, but the tree can't grow roots just as the storm appears on the horizon.

~ Dali Lama

This quote was in the book that I am currently reading and it really resonated within my core. The process of growing strong roots has been a slow and sometimes painful process throughout my life. I believe that those of us who have tragic events in our life choose at that moment to stand firm and start growing roots or wither and die. "Hunker down" ~ that's Texas lingo for stand your ground and hold fast to whatever gives you strength.


Lately I have been drawing strength from my roots ~ they are keeping me anchored, grounded. They have found water in a land of draught ~ It's a good thing that I don't rely on good news from doctors and insurance companies for nourishment ~ I would have expired several months ago. Instead, I have kept myself alive by relying on scriptures ~ the undeniable truths that I am never alone in this journey. Despite the drought ~ this is where I belong ~ in this moment in my life! There has to be a greater purpose for these trials.

Jeremiah 17:8 He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

Don't Blink

I heard this new Kenny Chesney song today ~ really resonates with me and iterates what I have been thinking lately ~ Don't Blink ~

Everything in life has taken on a new and different meaning to me. This summer we took a family portrait for our church directory. During the family photo shoot I found myself wanting the photographer to hurry up ~ I could feel the water works welling up and I didn't know how long I could keep them back. Why, you ask, would taking a family photo make me cry? I'll tell you why ~ because in my mind I was thinking that this could be the last photo we would take together. Brain surgery ~ it's a risky endeavor ~ this time next year things will be very different!

That might have come off a little morbid ~ let me clarify ~ I know from lots of experience that there are certain events in life that forever change who you are ~ brain surgery is going to rock my world ~ there's no getting around that! Things are going to be different ~ but I am praying for changes for the good ~ a new lease on life ~ improvement in quality of life and renewal of strength.

Please Wait

Today ~ I called my PCP's referral office to find out if they had made an appointment with my 5th neuro surgeon yet. They have had a full week to set up an appointment for me ~ I have been more than patient ~ I don't understand what's taking so long! When I spoke with someone at the office, they told me that the referral went through and I was good to go. WHAT? Was something lost in translation???

Apparently ~ they had written down that I was able to get an appointment, even though it was a month from now ~ SERIOUSLY??!!! I informed them that I do not have an appointment, because the surgeon's office won't let patients make their own appointments ~ the doctor's office has to do it. So, very tactfully, I kindly asked my PCP's office to please make an appointment for me and call me back today with the date and time. So, shock of all shockers, they didn't call me back ~ still no appointment ~ I will have to call them again in the morning.

As you can probably imagine, by the time I got home from work today I was not in the greatest of moods. So I grabbed my running shoes and headed out for a walk on the trail. When I got in my car, my radio/cd player didn't have any sound coming out of it ~ nice ~ another annoyance to add to the day. By the time I got to the trail I was more than ready to hit the ground running to unload some of the built up frustration from the day. I turned on my Nano and glanced at the power gauge and it was on red with the tiniest amount of power left.

At that point ~ I lost it ~ I couldn't handle one more thing going wrong ~ and NOW ~ I was going to be on my run ~ all alone ~ in the silence ~ I just couldn't take it today. I went ahead and clicked my music to my 'inspirational mix' and started moving. The song that came on couldn't have been more perfect ~ Josh Groban's 'You Raise Me Up' followed by 'You're Never Alone' ~ Talk about hearing the words of God ~ and such a quiet reassurance that I am not alone in all of this and there are reasons for the obstacles that are beyond my comprehension.

"You Raise Me Up"

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;

When troubles come and my heart burdened be;

Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,

Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

So Small

My prayer for today ~ Lord, please turn this mountain that I have been climbing into a grain of sand ~

So Small ~ Carrie Underwood

Yeah, Yeah

What you got if you ain't got love
The kind that you just want to give away
It's ok to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide it swallows you whole
While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't change

And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And then you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else seem
So small

Yeah, yeah

I Will Go Through The Valley

Strange feeling ~ this place I am in ~ I am inside a swirling vortex with no clear way out ~ but stranger, still, I feel surrounded, protected, spoken for ~ the awesome peace that passes understanding ~ Present but introspective ~ maintaining balance on the outside, but turmoil on the inside.

I heard this song today on my way into work ~ again ~ the words have spoken to my heart. I am clinging to the promise that God is not through with me ~ that my trials will bring me closer to Him.

I frequently feel so alone and afraid during this journey ~ angry with the whole insurance system ~ it's painfully clear that I am just a name on a sheet of paper to them ~ not a human with a life. And yet ~ I still believe that all of this is happening to me and my family for a reason ~ more will be revealed in time.

If You Want Me To ~ Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

CHORUS:
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to