Neurological S%#t Storm

It's been a very long time since I last wrote in here. I'd take that as a good sign. I have been busy living my life, daring greatly and manifesting my dream of moving to far away places.

However, I feel compelled to share my vaccine story with hopes that I'll get feed back and hear responses like 'Me too!'. Getting the COVID vaccines was a no brainer decision for me. I want to travel and felt like this was absolutely necessary for safety and good health while abroad. I had heard that if you have a good immune system you will have lots of intense side effects. So, mentally, I was prepared to feel bad for a few days, a small price to pay for COVID immunity. I was not expecting how my body reacted to the vaccine.

I had traveled an hour and a half to get my first vaccine. As soon as they gave me the injection I felt dizzy instantly. I waited the 15 minutes to make sure I wasn't going to have a seizure or go into anaphylactic shock, then drove home. Things were feeling "off" in my my body for sure. Then I developed a giant goose egg sized welt on my forehead and the nausea set in. I had a low grade fever, felt exhausted and then developed a migraine. All "expected" side effects.  This lasted for about a week. 

Then I braced myself for the second vaccine which was supposed to have worse side effects. Surprisingly, I felt a little bit better after the second shot. Nausea and fever didn't kick in for 12 hours. However, for three weeks, I had rolling migraines every 12 to 24 hours, combined with wicked insomnia and intense hot flashes. These migraines were exactly like the ones I had that led to my Chiari diagnosis in 2006. Thankfully, the headache storms passed, but left me thinking what happened in my body when the virus was introduced?

It's clear to me now that my lizard brain - cerebellum - is always on alert. Guarding, protecting me from an intruder who just might cut into my brain again. The warning system is working for sure, but maybe a little too sensitive? I wonder if with time this will settle down some or is it something I will have to get used to.

Did any other decompressed Chiarians out there experience anything like me? 

 

TEN YEARS Post Brain Surgery ~ Reflection

This time ten years ago, 12/3/2008, I was under the knife, just three hours into an eight hour brain surgery. How do you measure a year?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year? ~ Jonathan Larson

During my early recovery days, each day that passed was a monumental feat! Less pain, more mobility, fewer headaches and vertigo. One breath at a time. Looking back, healing from the pain was the easier part. I never expected the emotional & spiritual fallout that would follow.

I have observed that Medical practices in the USA focus on the physical symptoms as a measuring stick of healing progress. Less pain and an increase in quality of life = successful surgery. I agree only slightly with this statement. My recovery was/is more complex than just the physical. Before I take a hard left turn, I do want to share with you how I am doing physically post decompression. I still get migraines from time to time, I am a living barometer and sensitive to low/high barometric swings in the weather.  My sleeping has gotten better, but I am still plagued by some sleepless nights. (Don't get me started on what theories I have to explain missing time during the night that shows up on my Fitbit).  However, my quality of life has greatly improved and my hope has been restored in knowing I will have a long and happy life.

Now for the dark side of my journey...my life has been shaken up like an earthquake since 2008.

There is no doubt in my mind that I was "re-booted", awakened, during brain surgery. I came back a different version of me. I can't say that this happens to all brain surgery patients, but it absolutely happened to me. No one warned me that this was a possibility. There's was  no way to guard against it even if I knew what was going to happen. In the wake of this knowing, I did the only thing I could do, move forward and don't look back.

For a long while, I was angry at God for letting me survive brain surgery, only to have my life as I knew it figuratively burn to the ground til there was a pile of smoldering ashes left.  I know now, this transformation had to happen so that I could embrace what was in store for me just up the road.

2018 had been a momentous year. My Daddy lost his fight with cancer in May and moved into another realm. This has stirred up an unexpected review of my life. It's been painful to sit with such heavy grief that comes with losing a father, but it's also given me a renewed joy for life.

I am so very thankful for my life post braintail surgery. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing. Brain surgery was the wake up call I needed to fully embrace and discover what my purpose is during my lifetime here on the planet.

Scientists Identify ‘Big Brain’ Gene in Humans, Neanderthals

http://www.sci-news.com/genetics/science-arhgap11b-big-brain-gene-humans-neanderthals-02547.html

This stuff is mind blowing, especially since I've been fascinated with Neanderthals ever since I got my DNA results back from 23 and me.

WE are all evolving, ever changing beings. We are composed of bone, soft tissue and fluids. Don't you think there must be a correlation between genetics and mutations that might explain how Chiari and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome came to be?

I'm wondering about other Chiarians out there ~ have you had your DNA tested? And if so, do you know what percent Neanderthal DNA you have? When I hear hoof-beats, I always think Zebras.... The Truth is Out there ~ anyone else have any far fetched ideas about this? Discuss....

Tacking

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line ~ but that's not always the path I've chosen. Tonight I've been reflecting and looking back at the path I've blazed over the past two years that's brought me to the here and now. I glance back ~ and OMG ~ what a zig zaggy path from hell I've taken. To the untrained eye it might look like complete random chaos. More like the path a rabid squirrel on crack would take ~ but I digress.

I love the water and there's no better way to spend time on the water than on a sailboat. Since learning how to sail a Sunfish at Camp Longhorn  (Heaven on Earth) ~ the art of tacking has always made me ponder. The task of going back and forth across the lake so that you catch the wind at just the right angle is fun and challenging. Sailing takes time, you are at the mercy of the wind and your tacking skills. Spending a day on the lake is a journey not a sprint.

Stay with me, I'm getting to my point...

I guess what I am trying to say is that all the detours and the seemingly unnecessary pit stops along the way in the my life are making sense now. Of course I had to zig-zag my way through the rough waters. There was no other way.

Each destination had a profound purpose, even if I couldn't see it or understand why at the time. Now the picture is becoming more clear and I can see how the parts fit together to make me more complete.

My words of encouragement to you are to hang in there when you feel frustration with how slow your journey is going. There's a whole lot of LIFE between knowing where you want to go and the journey that takes you there.

I AM A SURVIVOR

Nothing like a HTML redirect script error to remind me that I need to spend some more time blogging ~ I've been thinking a lot lately about returning and there's no perfect time like the present.

Living day to day as a brain surgery survivor can sometimes feel like a heavy burden, especially so as I creep closer to my SIX year post surgery date on December 3rd. I thought for sure I would cherish every day after surviving being a breath away from dying. Sure, some days I am thankful for being alive ~ happy for the days when I'm not battling an epic headache or trying to maintain composure and balance on a vertigo infused day. But mostly, I've gotten on with my life ~ trying to fit in and fool myself into thinking I'm normal. Then the reality check hits me ~ YOU ARE A SURVIVOR ~ YOU ARE ANYTHING BUT NORMAL! Live it ~ feel it ~ soak it up ~ then get started on your bucket list and sharing your story.

I'd like to think that I'm one of the few lucky ones who has been able to get on with my life. I've heard countless stories of other Chiarians who can't get out of bed every day  ~  live their lives a slave to pain and medications ~ have countless surgeries only to feel worse and not better for their pain and suffering.  There must be something I can do to speed along the genetic testing process to finally find a cure for Chiari. If the mutant genes can be located it would speed up the agonizing slow pace of finding a cure.

I read this week that the cause of ALS has been found ~ wouldn't it be miraculous if the same amount of research was being done to find the cause of Chiari Malformations? I don't know what the statistics are for Chiari related deaths annually, but I am hearing more and more stories of Chiarians dying post surgery. Take this for example:

Sudden unexpected nocturnal death in Chiari type 1 malformation and potential role of opioid analgesics

Abstract

Background: Chiari malformation type 1 (CM1) is a common congenital anomaly of the craniocervical junction. CM1 is reported to run a usually benign course and patients typically experience no symptoms or chronic, slowly progressive symptoms. However, recent reports indicate that a subset of patients with CM1 may present with acute deterioration and sudden unexpected death (SUD). We report a case of SUD during sleep in a young man with CM1, which we believe was related to the administration of common and therapeutic doses of narcotic analgesics for the management of pain. We will clarify the pathophysiology of acute deterioration and SUD in CM1 and the possibility that the adverse effects of opiate analgesics likely were the leading cause of death in our patient.
Case Description: In this review, we present a 29-year-old male with worsening headache secondary to previously diagnosed CM1. The patient died suddenly and unexpectedly after administration of common and therapeutic doses of narcotic analgesics for the management of pain. 

Conclusion: The mechanism(s) of acute neurological deterioration and sudden death in patients with CM1 remains poorly understood. We believe the rapid fatal deterioration in our patient following administration of opioids suggests that this category of medication may cause sudden unexpected "neurogenic" cardiac death in CM1 patients by inducing sleep-related breathing difficulties and associated hypercapnia. Hypercapnia by further increasing intracranial pressure can result in a sudden pressure-induced decompensation of the cardiopulmonary control centers in the brain stem and cause instantaneous cardiorespiratory arrest.

 This is serious stuff and yet this is the first time I've even seen the term hypercarpnia. Probably not a coincidence at all that when I was a teenager my general practitioner told me that I had too much carbon monoxide in my blood. He told me to breathe more ~ WHAT? Really? I just thought I was a stressed out teen prone to panic attacks. Now I'm thinking the signs were there all along. I've always had trouble remembering to breathe. I SIGH heavily and frequently ~ not due to boredom, I just need more O2 in my system due to holding my breath subconsciously for too long between breaths. So who's tasked with studying chiarians who don't breathe enough?

What about this theory of mine ~ I recently found out that I have measurable Neanderthal DNA.

I can't be the only one who's looked at how different Neanderthal cranial vaults looked compared with modern humans. We are all evolving as the generations pass along DNA from the previous generation. A common phrase heard in the Chiari community is:

My Brain's Too Big For My Head!

 or

 Too Much Brain To Contain

Soft tissues change quicker than bone ~ do the math ~ connect the dots. Just saying ~ there are answers out there.

I could go on for hours ~ but I'll save it for another post. Glad to be blogging again even if it's just for me. My hope is that I've lit a spark in just one of you out there to look into your medical background and dig. The answers are there ~ we just need to figure out who to share these ideas with so that someone with a brain can find a way to shut off that lethal mutating Chiari gene.

I Still Have Hope

I have no explanation ~ why and how can I have a shred of hope left after the week I've had. My brain tail continues to try and kick my ass and now Vertigo is back for an extended stay ~ completely uninvited ~ all I can do is continue to press through it all ~ One Day At A Time. I am sure there are many of you out there in various places in your chiari journey and this might not be the best of news you might want to read ~ but it's the truth. Dealing with Chiari is a life long process ~ but something I am learning more and more is to take better care of myself and give myself down time when my body is screaming for rest. IF I don't listen ~ I pay the price. This morning I had to surrender to vertigo and was grounded on the floor of my bathroom for a few hours as I tried to draw some strength from my reserves so that I could go spend some time reconnecting with a local Chiari friend. We all need love and support of other chiarians who understand how it feels to be a brain surgery survivor and a struggling chiarian. These connections give us strength and HOPE.

To You my future is a memory

I heard this song last week and it really spoke to me ~ gave me renewed perspective. I've been off line for a while in the blog world and hope to be writing again. I've really had to dig deep and sort a lot of things out in my life. I am shocked and amazed at all the trials that get thrown into my life path ~ but with one breath at a time I keep moving through it with high hopes of healing.

Already There ~ Casting Crowns

From where I'm standing

Lord, it's so hard for me to see

Where this is going

And where You're leading me

I wish I knew how

All my fears and all my questions

Are going to play out

In a world I can't control

When I'm lost in the mystery

To You my future is a memory

'Cause You're already there

You're already there

Standing at the end of my life

Waiting on the other side

And You're already there

You're already there

From where You're standing

Lord, You see a grand design

That You imagined

When You breathed me into life

And all the chaos

Comes together in Your hands

Like a masterpiece

Of Your picture-perfect plan

When I'm lost in the mystery

To You my future is a memory

One day I'll stand before You

And look back on the life I've lived

I can't wait to enjoy the view

And see how all the pieces fit

One day I'll stand before You

And look back on the life I've lived

'Cause You're already there

You're already there

When I'm lost in the mystery

To You my future is a memory

'Cause You're already there

You're already there

Standing at the end of my life

Waiting on the other side

And You're already there

You're already there

Does FEAR Wake You Up?

FEAR seems to be a word that continues to reverberate in mind. Although I haven't shared much here lately about the complete change and upheaval that I'm going through in my life right now ~ believe me when I say that I come face to face with FEAR several times a day. But the funny thing is, FEAR is no longer FEARED ~ if that makes any sense to you.

Instead of a menacing, skulky foe ~ FEAR has become a beacon to me ~ signaling me to WAKE UP ~ this is yet another opportunity to become stronger ~ to become more REAL ~ to change a behavior that no longer fits in my life. FEAR is a wise teacher if you can take a deep breath and let it wash over you. This is NO easy task.

I saw DIVERGENT this weekend ~ I read the book at least a year ago so all the details of the story weren't fresh in my mind. Again and again throughout the film I got the chills from my head all the way down to my toes. Memories were stirred from many years ago ~ over and over again like a long lost friend. Brave, primal, dauntless, memories. I sooo identify with the character Tris.

"Who's going to jump first?" ~ "I will!"

Growing up in TEXAS, I had many opportunities to face FEAR and test my BRAVERY. I went rappelling, zinged down zip lines, when cliff jumping ~ At the time I'm not sure if I did it because I was chasing that adrenaline high or if I was eager to squash FEAR before it could manipulate me. Nevertheless, FEAR in one form or another has shaped and molded me into the woman I am today and I will be forever grateful for my menacing companion.

My question for you, dear reader, how will FEAR define you? Will you cross over the line from letting FEAR control you to seeing FEAR as an ally? Let the fear in for FIVE seconds and see what happens...

Defenses Against The Dark Arts

Texas skies ~ I think miles and miles of blue skies covered with billowy clouds ~ or beautiful sunsets painted with brilliant pinks, oranges and reds. This photo was taken by my Mom shortly after touching down on Texas soil. Hauntingly beautiful it is. Enveloped me completely ~really. 

I don't know how to explain it but the color BLUE has been coming up more and more in my life. Blue reminds me of water and sky ~ this blue is very inky and seems to hold many treasured secrets. Reminds me of a section in Brene Brown's book ~ Daring Greatly ~ If you want to read the whole piece ~ click on this link ~ otherwise ~ here's my favorite passages about shame and Harry Potter:

 Sirius told Harry to listen to him very carefully, then he said, 

 ‘You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.’”

“We all have shame. We all have good and bad, dark and light, inside of us. But if we don’t come to terms with our shame, our struggles, we start believing that there’s something wrong with us – that we’re bad, flawed, not good enough – and even worse, we start acting on those beliefs. If we want to be fully engaged, to be connected, we have to be vulnerable. In order to be vulnerable, we need to develop resilience to shame.”

Reading this was a good wake up call for me to embrace the dark and the light ~ they are both a part of who we are ~ what do the dark, inky night skies tell you?

Insightful Dino

I had to take a picture of this display at Barnes and Noble ~ so perfect and true! Has it only been a few months since the end of  Game of Thrones ~ Season 3?

A Light Shines in the Dark

I recently took some time out of my busy work week to spend the night at a quiet, remote retreat center. After the sun set and darkness enveloped me I was greeted by a host of busy fireflies. Never in my life have I seen such brilliantly lit creatures. Perhaps they have upgraded their bulbs to LED lights?

Fireflies have always captivated and fascinated me. They have always reminded me of fairies and heavenly spirits. Amazing to me how much light they create and yet they are so small. Since nature speaks to my heart, this is what I found about fireflies showing up in my life ~ May you have some firefly visitors this summer, too.

Firefly

*Ted Andrews/Animal-Wise ~ Keynote: Spiritual inspirationsand hope.

For those to whom the firefly appears, it is time to trust in your own rhythms--physical and spiritual. Our hopes will begin to manifest, and our ability o inspire will grow. Fireflies remind us that there are others who will respond to us and who are like us. They flash with similar creative rhythms. They will make their presence known soon, and they will make our life more creative and healthier.

Fireflies generate light without heat, a process of chemistry and physics that is still baffling to science. Whereas most electric bulbs waste 97% of their energy in heat, a firefly concentrates 90% of it's effort into light. The glow emerging from so tiny an animal is sufficient to read a printed page, reflecting wonderful opportunities to make the seemingly impossible a reality, inspiring wonders that will be flickering and manifesting around us.

When the firefly appears is a wonderful time to jot down all of those creative ideas that are flickering in our mind through this time. We needn't worry about what to do with them now, for just by taking them out of the mental realm, their creative force is released into our life and they will provide inspiration that will affect us for a long time in the future.

The firefly looks ordinary during the day, but by night they sparkle, flickering like a star. They hold the promise of accomplishing our goals. Spiritual gifts are awakening. We are on the right path, and there are strong spiritual forces around us. When fireflies appear, people begin to reassess their former opinions and perspectives. We begin to shine and sparkle. Opportunities to fulfill dreams, to inspire wonder, and to awaken greater hope will begin to flicker strongly within our life.

Where Do You Put Down Roots?

Wish I had seen this magnificent tree in person ~ a friend of mine has allowed me to share this image of courage and determination. It's clear to me that this wise old tree is firmly rooted. It began it's life as a sapling  on the banks of a lake and that's where it's stayed. No doubt, this tree has endured torrential downpours and floods, threatening it's life over and over again and yet it's proven to be resilient ~ but at what cost?

Resilience, determination, courage ~ these are all close cousins of one another. When they join hands and work together survival becomes a reality.  How does this relate to me and my life? I've never felt like a physically "rooted" person ~ ever. I've embraced the wonder and adventure of change. But, something I've learned that's essential to survival is knowing yourself and what you are deeply rooted in.

For most people, they are rooted in family, a job, a town or a house. For me, it's been my faith and intuition that have grounded me to the planet.  The aftermath of brain surgery has been a potentially catastrophic uprooting event for me. I've felt like my roots have been ripped out of the ground. Many times I've felt awash at sea, not knowing if I even had any roots left to dig in and hold onto solid ground again. The image above is a gentle reminder that, yes, I still have roots, strong roots that can grip and take hold of solid ground even in the most unlikely circumstances. How do you find your footing again and do you dare to take hold of something you believe in?

Outside the Box

A picture says a thousand words, right? I've made the photo above my screen saver at work. It's a constant reminder to think outside the box and to look up every once in a while. So many times a day I find myself a victim of brain farts ~ ooo shiny! What was I just thinking about? I had a thought and just like that, poof! It's completely evaporated.

So, like I was saying, I've been thinking way outside the box ~ looking for a unicorn or a zebra in a herd of horses. I saw my most favorite endocrinologist in the world last week and after listening to me rattle off my numerous growing neurological chiari/cranial settling related symptoms, he emphatically told me that I was skating on thin ice. That's always a wake up call when you hear that from someone that you trust in the medical community. ~ sigh ~

After digesting my doctors concerns for my health, I took a deep breath and shared this bizarre, outside of the box idea with him to help validate that my idea wasn't completely off the reservation. I've been thinking lately, most of my symptoms lately: migraines, vertigo, trouble breathing, insomnia... are all related to cranial settling. After seeing my Chiari friends go through fusion surgery only to have the fusion rods re-done just a few years later, I really want no part of that routine. With that said, I vividly remember my Invasive Cervical Traction procedure that I had the day before my brain surgery.

At one point during the procedure, even through the twilight haze, I remember Dr. M discovering that when they lifted my head up and over and then down there was a remarkable change in symptoms and CSF flow. He was very intrigued since he had not seen a positive result before with that set of motions. So, I was thinking, if this procedure helped me to feel pretty good for a few years, why can't I go in for this type of surgical procedure again? Sure, I would miss a few days of work, but it's an outpatient procedure with no recovery time. How crazy would it be to at least start a dialogue with my doctors to see if this is a possibility.

Shockingly enough, my doctor totally was on board with my idea and didn't think it was crazy at all.

I feel like I keep buying time ~ waiting for technology to advance, looking for a less invasive more long lasting solution. I know there's no cure for Chiari ~ but this girl is still searching for a silver lining ~ a sliver of hope....

The Hurt and the Healer

What a profound message - I'm alive, even though a part of me has died....what a great comfort this message brings

The Hurt And The Healer ~ MercyMe

Why?

The question that is never far away

But healing doesn't come from the explained

Jesus please don't let this go in vain

You're all I have

All that remains

So here I am

What's left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

(Chorus)

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into Your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe

Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do

Pain so deep that I can hardly move

Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You

Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am

What's left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

(Chorus)

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity

Is overcome by majesty

When grace is ushered in for good

And all the scars are understood

When mercy takes its rightful place

And all these questions fade away

When out of weakness we must bow

And hear You say "It's over now"

(Chorus)

I'm alive

And even though a part of me has died

You take this heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into your arms open wide

When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

When the hurt and the healer collide 

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here 

When the hurt and the healer collide 

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

Tears

Tears ~ I've been thinking about them a lot lately. I taught myself at a very tender age of TWO, to try my hardest to stuff my tears way down deep to the pit of my stomach. Hey, I  put on a smile that stretched from ear to ear and that worked for decades!

But once I allowed myself to feel my feelings as they bubbled up to the surface ~ there's no stopping the tears. They show up out of no where ~ on a sunny day when I think everything is right in the world. Recently, for the first time in my life I awakened myself out of a dead sleep to the sound of my own sobbing. We are talking crying so hard I can't stop ~ and I just might need a dry pillowcase cover and a full box of tissues.

I don't know exactly WHY this is happening now ~ but I have to say it gives me a  great sense that I am really alive and I haven't felt that way in a very long time. The most recent occurrence was this morning at 5 am. I remember the dream well ~ it wasn't a particularly emotional dream, but when I felt the e?motion swell within me like a tsunami ~ I could feel the ache in my chest as I tried desperately to hold back the swell of tears ~

When I think about it, most of my most favorite movies and TV shows have tearful moments. I've gotten a lot more comfortable with watching those scenes again and allowing myself to be swept up in the moment and cry alongside the characters.

Here are a few of my favorite tearful scenes ~ What are yours?

What Grace Has Given Me ~ Let It Pass to Him

This has been a heart breaking week ~ I've always felt ever since my Chiari diagnosis that it was my burden to bear, my dark forest to walk through . I grew comfortable with that feeling very early on. I felt like a ring bearer myself. I always have known that for me, it's easier to be in pain and struggle than to watch someone else I love go through the same thing. How right I was!

My Dad's been in a great deal of pain over the past couple of months. And for him to feel pain this must have been some kind of Jurassic pain from hell. You see, he's got this incredible tolerance to pain ~ luckily he passed that DNA onto me. The trouble with this is that by the time he feels pain, he's in real trouble. He finally went to the doctor and underwent a battery of tests. Well the results are in and they aren't good.

Dad's been given a chance to fight like a rabid lion ~ the fight of his life! Cancer has invaded and it's time to kick it the hell out of Dodge! This news has been shocking and earth shattering for all of us, but I know we will get through this.

When the call came in ~ I stepped outside my office for a couple of minutes. The sun was shining, the cold air hit my face and I braced myself to hear the 'C' word. My body went numb, I crumpled to the ground in a crouch. While I was listening to Dad dispel this not so good news, a movie scene immediately was rolling through my head ~ and from the Fellowship of the Ring ~ no doubt. Shocked you are, right? This quote was rolling over and over in my head:

 "What grace has given me, let it pass to him.  Let him be spared.  Save him."

What I would do to take this from Dad ~ I feel so helpless ~ I can't stand by and watch ~ I have to do something to help take the pain away...Sending a band of angels to surround you Dad, protect you better than a She Elf of Middle Earth ~ you will beat this ~ I know in my heart that you will ~ love you much!

Arwen and Frodo  

In Tolkien's novel, Glorfindel's horse Asfaloth bears Frodo alone to the Ford of Bruinen, and Frodo collapses after resisting the will of the Nine Riders.  In Jackson's movie, Arwen bears him across the Ford and is the agent of resistance.  There she speaks Words of Power to make the river rise against the Nine.  Here, Jackson's choices establish Arwen as one of the most potent powers in Middle-earth, capable of employing the same kind of powers that Gandalf and Saruman use at Caradhras.  (In the novel, the flood is the work of Elrond's wielding of one of the three Rings of Power, with flourishes provided by Gandalf.)  

Arwen then kneels over the fading Frodo and says, "What grace is given me, let it pass to him.  Let him be spared.  Save him."

To whom is Arwen speaking?  What's this "grace" she's talking about?

If Jackson holds true to Tolkien's intent, it is the grace extended to Arwen by the Valar (Middle-earth's pantheon) to pass into the Blessed Realm.  As one of the children of Elrond, the Halfelven, she is allowed the choice of leaving Middle-earth to dwell in immortality with the Valar, or to remain in Middle-earth as a mortal and suffer death.  In the eventual passing from the Grey Havens, Frodo takes Arwen's place in paradise.  Arwen's "grace," then, is the gift of immortality.

A Hopeful Sign

If you've been following my blog ramblings over the past 4 years, you know that music and nature speak to me on profound levels. I've always looking for 'signs' ~ a language that speaks to my heart when words have fallen on deaf ears.

New Years Day, we were driving home from spending the night out. We were driving down a highway that I travel on daily. Sitting in the passenger seat, I gazed out the window to my right, looking at how wistful the freshly fallen snow looked as it hung on the tree branches like an Ansel Adams painting. Just then, something, actually two creatures caught my eye. 

I'm always on the lookout for Red Tailed Hawks, they are common in our region and are easy to spot perched high in a tree along the highways. The white coloring on their chests always gives them away. But these creatures I had spotted were definitely not hawks. They were much larger in size and quite magnificent. I had spotted a couple of Bald Eagles!!! I had heard of sightings, but this was the first time I had seen them. 

What message was the universe sending me to have spotted TWO Bald Eagles on New Years day....The sky is the limit in 2013 ~ no boundaries ~ no limits ~ soar above it all ~ 

According to the Native Americans, Bald Eagles have great symbolism:

(http://www.whats-your-sign.com/symbolic-eagle-meaning.html)

Size does matter to the Native mind. It is the mammoth size of the eagle that, in part, wins its title as the King of the Birds in myth and lore. In spite of its enormous size, the eagle still takes flight, seemingly effortlessly. This is the first of many symbolic cues from the eagle about perception (not judging a book by its cover) and, not allowing the illusion of limitation to ground us in our flight.

What else matters when considering symbolic eagle meaning? Here are a few attributes and keywords associated with Eagle Medicine:

• Opportunity

• Protection

• Guardianship

• Masculinity

• Dominance

• Control

• Freedom

• Community

• Command

• Action

• Authority

• Skill

• Focus

• Determination

• Vision

• Power

• Liberation

• Inspiration

• Ruler

• Judgment

• contemplate the power cased in the heart of the eagle.

• Synchronize your own heart beat with that of the eagle's - visualize each pulse as a flash of lighting - an impulse of divine thought.

• Picture the power of the gods clapping like thunder with each flap of their wings. With each crack of thunder consider barriers and blockages in your life being shattered.

• Then see the great 7 foot wingspan of the eagle growing even longer in your vision in order to swipe away the rubble - making all trace of limitation disappear.

• Look into the eyes of the eagle, and see the dawning sun shine clarity upon the dawning of your own awareness. These eyes are like a light into your own contemplative vision - let them illuminate your from the inside out.

A representation of prime matter, the start of an alchemical operation. The eagle spreads its wings over the step into creation and fans the fire, encouraging growth of new matter.
The eagle carries the veil of night and dark over our existence and awareness. It's affiliated with the dawning sun, and is a magnificent celestial power, able to shine light into our world.
Associated with the symbolism of water, and the intuitive oracle water serves as. Perhaps because our Celtic kin observed their magnificent ability to see into waters with miraculous clarity. 
Associated with the Christ himself. Because the eagle seems to easily ascend the skies, looking into the sun with unblinking focus, we relate symbolism of Christ's unblinking faith in the Way, the Truth, and the Light. We also see themes of renewal (baptism) as the eagle plunges the soul of man into the sea, and lifts them out renewed and cleansed.
Another reference as a solar animal, the eagle is symbolic of authority, rulership and virility. It's depicted with thunderbolts in each talon. In my mind, this seems like a phallic reference would bolster sexual energy as well as warrior status (energy, thrust, courage, bravery, fearlessness). I get a confirmation of this by Zeus's strong affiliation with the eagle in myth.
Last word on the symbolic eagle meaning: "Fly Higher."

Native wisdom also honors the eagle for their opportunistic ways. It's not that they're skilled hunters (they are), but the go about gaining their needs in ways that are most efficient. This is a lesson for conserving resources. Work smarter, not harder.

Some Native American (plains tribes) refers to the eagle as an earthly incarnation of the great Thunderbird spirit. Legend further states that lightning bolts shoot from the eyes of the bald eagle, and with the beating of its expansive wings, rain is conjured from the skies. That's easy to envision.

Coming from the mindset that all energy is interconnected, an average wingspan of 5-7 feet (in Golden's and Bald's) could understandably cause some massive energetic ripples in the cosmos. Even prompt rain. I love how eagles as rain bringers segways into the cleansing theme of water.

And, we see from the Native mind that eagle feathers are tribal tools resonating patterns of healing within ritual. Do a little research into Native wisdom, and you will find the eagle is invoked for revitalization, creation and healing purposes. I like to think this deals with the eagle's connection with water.

In this vein of thought, we can contemplate the healing messages the eagle may offer us in our daily life. When the eagle soars into our psychic vision, it may be a sign of getting prepared for symbolic cleansing rains. What needs cleaning in our lives?

Of course, as rulers of the sky, eagle meaning is connected with the air element, which symbolizes communication and thought. All bird totems speak to us about higher thinking, dreams, and mental liberation. As king of the birds, the eagle's message of mental acuity is super-dominant.

Visually, everything about the eagle's appearance is sharp. Streamlined, sleek, chiseled. This prompts our deeper minds to hone our thoughts and skills. The eagle commands us to tailor our intelligence and talents in a form that best suits our needs. We all have inner abilities, but when the eagle shows up - it's a clear sign it's time to use these abilities in a laser-like fashion to bring about focused change in our lives.

To revisit the Thunderbird association, eagles are said to bring down lightning with the storms. This makes me think of flashes of insight, surges of power - electrifying vision.

I also like to look into the eyes of the eagle. There I see the lightning. I see the sun itself living in those all-seeing bright yellow orbs.

Do these observations this strike a chord with you? If so, take flight with the eagle meaning by experimenting with these visualizations:

These kind of powerful connections can liberate on so many levels.

Morphine

New Year's Day a discovery was made while cleaning out cabinets in the kitchen:  an old and tattered paper bag. You see, this wasn't any ordinary bag.  The contents were infused with pain ~ both physical and emotional. There were 6 unopened boxes of liquid Morphine and an opened bottle that was almost full. Additionally, I found a hand-full of hospital bracelets from North Shore Hospital ~ 2008. The expiration dates on the boxes told me to throw them out, but I have a strange attachment to them.

How sick and twisted is that!?! I still remember going cold turkey when I got home after my brain surgery. I had a bag of morphine with many refills. I was set for feeling no pain for several weeks if not months if I stretched out my doses. Me, I'm a bit on the stubborn side of life, the docs gave me pain relief, I wanted to get off the high powered drugs and tough it out on my own. I know ~ CRAZY LOCO ~ she is!!!

I've never thought of this before, but perhaps I see the unused drugs as a badge of survival ~ a sign that I could recover without any extra assistance from the pharmaceutical companies. Still ~ twisted ~ Did you know that Morphine has been around since 1805. Detoxing from Morphine is just like detoxing from Heroin ~ it's not fun at all! 

Morphine withdrawal symptoms (or Opiate withdrawal symptoms in general) are as follows: Sweats, Chills, Muscle Aches, Diarrhea, Vomiting/Nausea, High Blood Pressure, Fatigue, Restless Leg Syndrome (leg aches), Insomnia, Severe Depression, Heightened Sensitivity to Pain, Dysphoria, Muscle Spasms, Allergy Symptoms (yawning, watery eyes, sneezing).They generally last for 5-10 days, with some symptoms lasting longer (insomnia, depression, fatigue). Morphine withdrawals are exactly like Heroin withdrawals, because they are almost exactly the same drug. In fact, the proper chemical name for Heroin is Diamorphine. When heroin is ingested and reaches the brain, it is turned into morphine.

So back to the conundrum of what to do with an expired bag of Morphine. I know I should get rid of it ~ can i burn it in the fire pit maybe? I think my idea of making Morphine laced martinis for my next Oscar Party might not be a super great idea. There must be some kind of ritual, rite of passage ceremony. Any readers out there share my same feelings or am I the only coo coo one. Don't be shy...

Mending

You see, ever since that hospital bed, I had wanted to be fixed. Physically, emotionally. And right here, at 29,030 feet, as I staggered those last few steps, I was mending.

The spiritual working through the physical. 

Mending.

- Bear Grylls from Mud, Sweat and Tears

I recently read Bear Bear Grylls book  Mud, Sweat and Tears.  I've always admired him for his survivor skills demonstrated on his show Man VS Wild, but the book showed me a whole new layer of the real Bear. I already knew a bit about his history/background. I knew that he climbed Mount Everest at age 23, but I didn't know what incredible hurdles he surpassed to get there.

You see, Bear was parachuting and his chute failed ~ he ended up hitting the ground on his back and broke his spine ~ narrowly escaping with his life! He was laid up in a hospital for several months, unable to move, not knowing for sure if he would ever walk again. But he had a dream of climbing the tallest mountain in the world. He had pictures of Mount Everest on the wall next to his bed and he focused his mind on the images, knowing that one day he would climb the mountain. 

The quote I posted really spoke to me on so many levels. I feel like I have been mending for a long time now. No one prepared me for the emotional and spiritual mending that would need to happen after brain surgery. Bear's words have given me new hope ~ a good daily reminder that although I might feel like I am staggering forward, gasping with each breath, each step forward is evidence of mending. One day I will feel mended and whole again...