Friday, June 29, 2007
I have been in the middle of a huge emotional avalanche lately ~ I hear a song on the radio and waves of emotion swell in my heart. I have said it time and time again, music reaches me on a deep and profound level.
There is this song by Mark Harris that provokes tears every time I hear it. So you ask, why don't you change the station when it comes on the radio? The truth is, I can't, I love the message he sends. It puts my focus outward on my children and my nephew. It reminds me to teach children that no matter what, God give us faith and courage to face anything in the world.
Find Your Wings ~
Pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings
May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories
The hand print is from my youngest daughter ~ it's part of a Father's day gift. She gave it to me to hold on to for safe keeping until Father's Day. When I read the poem on the back ~ tears started streaming down my face. Life seems so fragile to me right now ~ with brain surgery on the horizon, all that I know could be gone in an instant ~ The thought of not being here to see my children grow up would be unbearable. So ~ as always ~ my children are teaching me to slow down a bit and see fingerprints on the windows as signs of life!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
I get wallpapers weekly from Away.com.
This picture of Kenya struck a chord somewhere at the cellular level in my veins. How could I possibly remember what a sunset looks like in Africa when I don't even have a passport!?! Can't explain it ~ I just have a feeling in my bones that someday I will make my way back there.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
My hover craft was making it's way down the garage to the exit when I saw something very large in front of me. As I looked in amazement, there was a very large red tailed hawk standing it's ground with it newly killed supper gripped tightly in it's talons. We exchanged glances at one another. He was hell bent on getting out of that garage with it's supper in tow ~ he was facing his giant. He tried to take flight as I slowed down and drove slowly around him, but his kill kept coming out of his claws. I fought the urge to pull my car over and get out. I wanted to make sure that he got out of the garage without getting run over. I felt instantly protective of brother hawk.
I would like to think that we both learned something from one another today. I learned to expect the unexpected and I hope that he learned that he can stare down a car and have his dinner, too.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Summertime always summons a huge vortex of nostalgia for me. The memories come swirling in so fast and furious that they almost take my breath away. Spending my childhood in Texas, summer was all about the sun and water ~ any form of water ~ whatever it was, you must get in it or fry your body to a crisp! I still am torn between my two favorite bodies of water: oceans and rivers.
Every summer we used to rent a beach house right at the water's edge on Bolivar Island. Wild horses couldn't drag me away from the thundering motion of the waves. We would also spend many hours floating down the refreshing Guadalupe River on big inner tubes. To this day, every time I catch a whiff of cypress trees, images of the river come with it.
So ~ despite how bleak things may seem for me sometimes, I am finding slices of life that transport me above all of the muck ~ giving me a moment of pure joy.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
I called to get an update on my pending approval for my spinal surgeon and found out that there wasn't anything pending for me at all. SERIOUSLY!?! They had no record of the request from the PCP. So, after some tears and a moment to pull myself together, I called the PCP and relayed the latest information to them. They confirmed that they had sent the request in a week ago and told me that they would resubmit the request to the insurance company and follow up with them to make sure that they received it.
I would rather be herding cats!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Now, my perspective on the daily commute has changed from highway to a river road (looks similar to the picture). I put the windows down, breathe in the fresh summer air, hear the birds tweeting ~ you get the picture ~ it's nice and relaxing. What an unexpected gift.
Monday, June 18, 2007
The house feels like a good fit ~ it almost feels like we are staying at a vacation house. I have always wanted a house that was big enough so that we could have lots of friends and family over ~ I want the kids to feel comfortable having their friends over to hang out ~ sleepovers ~ blizzard parties ~ pool parties ~ I think we have finally found the right place for all of these things to happen.
No new updates from the land of insurance. They are reviewing my request to have the tethered cord surgery locally ~ hey ~ is it just me or is this really silly ~ they are the ones who denied my request to have the surgery done at TCI ~ They suggested that I see a local neurosurgeon and have the procedure done here ~ and now they have to approve their own suggestion?!? Also ~ I haven't even seen a spinal surgeon yet ~ LOL!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Pippin: "What about breakfast?"
Strider: "We've already had it."
Pippin: "We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?" [Strider walks away.]Merry: "Don't think he knows about second breakfast Pip."
Pippin: "What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them doesn't he?"
Merry: "I wouldn't count on it."
It appears that I will soon get the very special privilege of meeting a neurosurgeon who specializes in tethered cord surgeries ~ can't wait ~ I am super excited! If there were a bright side to all of this, it would be easier to get the surgery done locally. So ~ here I am ~ doing my part ~ jumping through hoops ~ preparing my fields for rain ~ waiting with great expectation to see what miracles God will do next!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Anyway, they faxed over the doctor's notes from my visit. I was a little surprised to read that a sense of urgency was missing from the 10 pages of information. The insurance company has three days to make a decision to certify my surgery. I am sure that this is one of many stepping stones along my journey. So ~ again ~ I release this into God's hands, and I will assume my perch on the log and wait some more.
BTW ~ a friend of mine recently sent me a story about frogs and it has given a whole new meaning to the little green guys: (F) Forever (R) Rely (O) On (G) God
Please ~ don't leave be hanging here ~ I don't know how much longer I can hang on ~ the frog in the picture empathizes with me ~
I called TCI over a week ago ~ left my contact a message that I wanted to go ahead and schedule the tethered cord surgery. What's that? Can you hear the deafening silence on the other end of the phone ~ nothing ~ no acknowledgment phone call. I know that they are super busy, but right now, I could use a healthy dosage of validation. I feel as if I have gone on a rappelling excursion. I have leaned back ~ parallel to the ground ~ I am totally trusting the rope ~ I have taken that first, terrifying step off the ledge ~ and now they tell me to hang on a minute. SERIOUSLY?!!
The Bible mentions 'waiting' many times ~ here are a few verses:
Psalms 27:14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
And so ~ I wait for a call from TCI ~ and hope that after all of this time I have spent waiting ~ I will still be of good courage and have found new strength ~
Friday, June 1, 2007
I am awestruck by how much time I spend getting to know all of the characters in the shows I watch, but then again, all of this abuse of the DVR has been quite therapeutic for me. Since I found out that my Brain Tail has moved into my spinal column ~ it has occupied my every waking and sleeping thought. I don't enjoy being so in tuned with myself ~ so self absorbed in every physical symptom caused by said Brain Tail. Escapism has been my ticket away from myself, if just for a couple of hours ~ let's call it 'self medication'. It's a good coping mechanism so I don't drive myself completely coo coo! But what in the world am I going to do while my TV friends are on their summer vacations????
We are moving in 14 days ~ maybe I should use my new free time to throw some stuff in boxes ~ brilliant idea. But SERIOUSLY, I feel as if my TV friends are actually my friends. How sad it that?!? I tune in each week to see what kind of decisions they are going to make, how they are going to embarrass themselves, how will they resolve conflicts ~ good stuff ~ Maybe I will spend more time blogging this summer ~ anything to keep my mind off the waiting game with impending surgeries.
So ~ what do you think? Have I been wasting time or has it been time well wasted?